Note: This is a guest post by Avani Mehta of Avani-Mehta
And Ever Has It Been That Love Knows Not Its Own Depth Until The Hour Of Separation. – Kahlil Gibran
As if it was not difficult enough to have a happy and successful relationship, some of us have to manage with long distances as well. The one we love is apart from us by miles, states and sometimes oceans. Whoever said that “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” surely hasn’t shared the entire version. Otherwise there would have been a mention of – Absence makes heart ache for the loved the one, it makes heart cry.
As I bid farewell to my husband 4 months after our marriage, I didn’t know that fate had around 2 years of separation in store for us. But soon, 4 months became 8 and 8 became 12 and … Suprisingly, these two years went like a breeze. Without mega fights, without being miserable and more importantly with us being crazily in love with each other as ever before.
A friend of mine asked me some weeks back that how did I manage to have a happy and successful long distance relationship with my spouse for over a period of two years, how did I survive the separation. And I had no answer then because we didn’t have to work much on it. However the question got me thinking.
And I realised that having a happy, loving “long distance” relationship and having a happy, loving “close proximity” relationship isn’t really that different. Both require their own set of adjustments; but in all, nothing changes. The needs are still the same – to love and be loved, to connect, to cherish, be friends and be there for each other.
So, let’s get started …
Do Long Distance Relationships Work?
Yes, they do. They work as well or as poorly as any other relationship. Being physically separated seems to have very little or no impact in one way or other on the relationship.
The key is to stay positive, stay optimistic. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that long distance relationships don’t work. The assumption that long distance relationships don’t work is enough to sabotage it. Moreover, the question to ask is not whether long distance relationships work, but whether you want to make it work. Are you willing to put in the effort required to make it work?
Ok Then, What Kind Of Effort Is Required To Make It Work?
A long distance relationship is different from a close promixity relationship because your partner is not physically present with you. This changes how you communicate and stay in touch with each other. This provides with a challenge to be a part of each other’s life inspite of the distance.
You will be required to put in effort to re-learn some of the ways of communicating and staying in touch with each other, to re-learn how to be intimate with each other. There are a lot of non-verbal cues which we take for granted such as body language, facial expressions etc which work like a window to the heart of our loved ones. These cues will be present in a different form since your mode of communication will change. You will have to learn these new cues and learn to be more expressive verbally to make up for the cues lost.
How To Have A Happy And Successful Long Distance Relationship?
There are only two factors that contribute to having a happy and successful long distance relationship. While these seem very simple, don’t under-estimate either of them. The two factors are:
1. Be Happy
A “happy you” can bring a lot of happiness in lives of your loved ones. A “unhappy you” cannot do so. So focus on your happiness. As you begin to stay happy, this happiness will automatically reflect in each and everything that you touch.
Can I really be happy? I mean, Is it allowed to be happy in times of separation?
A lot of us think that we “should not” or “can not” be happy. After all, our partner is away from us, what right do we have to be happy. What would people think if we are equally happy with and without our partner? Wouldn’t that then be proof that I don’t love my partner a lot?
Nothing could be further from truth. Of course you can be happy. Being happy is your right; and no event, no person, nothing in this world can take this right away from you. Yes, separation does cause pain and longing for the loved one but there is no need to be sad and look unhappy just to prove your love. Love simply is, there is no need for you to prove your love to anyone, let alone people.
The more you stay happy, the more your partner will be happy. For wherever your partner is, he/she would want you to be happy. And if you are not, it would be on top of his/her mind always. Your unhappiness equates to your partner being unhappy and consistently worried about you. Learn to be happy and set your partner free of a lot of heart aches and worries.
All right, I agree. But who will make me happy. My partner is not around. I am so sad. :-(
The answer in one word is “You”. You become the source of your happiness, you become the reason for your happiness. Make your happiness independant of people, make it independant of external events. Being happy is not only your right; but also your responsibility. In no way is your partner or your family or your friends responsible for your happiness. They can be a part of it, they can bring happiness in your life but still, the responsibility to be happy lies with you.
Agreed. Happiness is my Right and Responsibility. What’s the second key factor that contributes to a happy and successful long distance relationship?
2. Connect & Communicate
Converse, communicate, connect, share … there is nothing I would like to put more emphasis on that this. If communicating isn’t your domain, if you are not a very verbal, expressive person, if your partner used to listen and understand your silence till now, this is the time to update your skills. As I have shared below, being a part of each others life is now going to become one of your high priorities. And leave no stone unturned to do so. This will determine how much connected you feel with each other, this will determine how much satisfied you feel with your relationship, your conversations and life in general. This is what is going to keep you sane in times of separation.
Ok, Got it. Communicate, Communicate & Communicate! But how often? And how much?
Truly, this is something only you can answer for yourself. You will have to experiment to Find Out What Works For You and what is comfortable for you.
We used to chat for one hour everyday either early mornings or late nights as comfortable. Weekends were like dessert; with long long hours of chatting. A lot of couples chat for 5-10 mins 4-5 times a day. Some, don’t chat regularly.
Whatever you do, it’s important to Create a Routine. If we chatted in morning, then every morning without fail that will be the case. If it’s evening, then evening. Having some routine, a kind of consistency helped. It gave a sense of security, it showed that we can still rely on each other. Having a consistent time also helps in planning for the rest of the day.
No matter what routine you create, remember to Be Flexible Always. There are times when because of work deadlines, or other life events we cannot give even one hour to our partner. It’s difficult to promise when would we chat or for how much time or whether we would chat at all. At those times, we decide to live life as if there were no plans to chat. If, we both are free and get the opportunity to chat, we treat it as bonus. This frees both of us to do whatever we want with our time and helps in not building any resentments or unnecessary time bindings.
What are the options available to talk to each other?
Thanks to technology, there are lot of options available. Yahoo chat has been our favourite with GTalk as back up if Yahoo Messenger starts giving trouble. Webcam seems like a god gift whenever there is a desire to see each other. Sometime later we installed VOIP as well. That gives a phone in India US number. We could talk long hours with help of this since my spouse is charged of calling a US local number. Apart from these, we also conversed via emails, mobile and SMS. Use of these were very short. To give short updates or whisper sweet nothings. But they sure make up your day. A lot of people online vouch for snail mail – actually write and post letters. They claim writing brings out their creative side and brings romance in the relationship.
What About The Times When We Fight?
There are some really simple rules to fighting:
- It is okay to fight
It is all right to fight and argue. Supressing feelings is not healthy. We might think of trying to save our partner from a bad day or some difficult times. But often, supressing feelings can become long term and totally unhealthy. Whenever these feelings blow up, things will be more unpleasant than one can imagine. - Fight fair
To fight fair simply means to fight about what is currently bothering you. Not to bring up past, not to bring up other issues at the same time. Not to make generalisations, not to play the blame game. Focus on the issue and resolve it. Always remember it is not you against your partner. It is you both together as a team against some problem. If one of you tends to bring up past or issues other than the current one, allow the other person to correct you. You can simply list down other issues to solve “after” this one gets solved. - Fight over phone with webcam on
It is very easy to misunderstand when we are fighting with each other. Often what is said and what is understood is quite different leading to additional problems. Do yourself a favour, fight on phone with webcam on. Voice and face both give cues to what you are trying to say. They help connect with each other. Use them to your advantage. - Use your sensibility and maturity at all times while fighting
No one gets to bang the phone down. No one gets to avoid communication. Stay sensible and matured. Fighting itself is painful for both. Do not make it more painful by trying to avoid or punish your partner. This is one of the drawbacks or advantages of long distance relationship. You don’t get to do any of these. Your partner cannot come running to you to make things all right. - Improvise your fights
While fighting, there will come a time when you are not sure of what to do exactly. Should you argue back, should you simply listen, should you take the practical stand and solve the problem or should you be emphatic and understand your partner’s feelings, should you give space to your partner and give some time to sulk or converse till things get sorted. These options are really confusing. Hence, after the fight is over, pick up these moments and choices you made and ask your partner, that the next time something like this happens, what should you do. Remember what your partner says and apply next time – things will be easier than last time because of this.
What Is The Greatest Difficulty Faced In A Long Distance Relationship?
The greatest difficulty that couples in a long distance relationship face is to be a part of each other’s life. Important issues and emotions still get shared but small things are missed out. A funny event that happened in office, your little adventure while grocery shopping, a mail that touched you, updates of a friend who called, a penny of your thoughts for the day – these seem irrelevant and unimportant on their own. Moreover, after a week they lose their importance. But when shared daily, they create a sense of inter-relatedness. They make others feel as if they are a part of your lives. Establishing and maintaining this inter-relatedness is the greatest difficulty that couples in a long distance relationship face. [COMMUNICATE !]
What Is The Biggest Mistake Made In A Long Distance Relationship?
As mentioned above, establishing inter-relatedness is very difficult; some couples go over board with this and stop their lives to be able to stay in touch always. They stop socialising, stop meeting friends and family, stop all outside activities – basically put life on hold for conversations with their partners. Not having a life of their own is the biggest mistake that couples in a long distance relationship make.
Having a social life is a must. Maintaining contact with family and friends, those who love you is important. Each of us has a need to talk to loved ones face to face, to touch, hug, share smiles and know we are cared for. There is no bigger mistake that ignoring this need, ignoring ourselves. While we do so for a better relationship, isolation by no ways can help a relationship grow. Life simply cannot be put on hold for anything. [BE HAPPY !]
What Are The Dos And Don’ts ?
- Enjoy your life. Have fun. Make new friends, form new hobbies, spend time with friends and family. Make best of the time available
- Share your feelings.
- Create a strong support system.
- Trust your partner unconditionally, don’t be suspicious.
- Respect each others time. If either wishes to spend time with friends or family, honour the wish. Family and friends form as much a part of your partner’s life as you do.
- Do not sweat the small stuff. Learn to let go.
- No matter how frustrated you are, remember that this too shall pass away; this is not how it is going to stay forever
- Do get all mushy and romantic
- Don’t forget to have fun together
- Have a common hobby/passion. Ours was investing in stock market and making money out of money
- Plan for the times together. Spend a day or two exclusively with each other when both are in same town. We used to go on a 2-3 day short vacation everytime my spouse returned back home (once in every 4-6 months).
Honestly, How Difficult Is This Going To Be?
Staying apart from loved one is always difficult. Nothing can replace complete presence of a loved one in our life. Even if you apply everything mentioned above or anywhere else, you will still miss your partner very much, you will still remember your partner everytime you go out, everytime you see something great. Everytime you see something which brings out a ‘wow’ from you, you will terribly miss your partner and wish there were here to share this. And missing is good. Missing your partner simply means you want him/her to be with you. Staying away from loved one will always be very very difficult.
But the point is, your relationship doesn’t have to be difficult. Inspite of all the distance that comes in between both of you, you can still be an important part of each others life, you can still love each other like crazy, you can still share all your small titbits with your partner, you can still have a happy, loving, fulfilling, successful relationship. You can still have a fantastic relationship – just the way you want.
Avani Mehta is a passionate student of life. She maintains a personal development blog at Avani-Mehta. For those who are reading her articles for the first time, you can begin by reading The Best of Avani-Mehta. You can subscribe to her blog by RSS or Email.
This article is part of August 2008 theme: Relationships
Photo by batega
Comment by Nathalie Lussier
#1 6. August 2008, 1:20 pm o'clock |
From someone who has been in a long distance relationship for a total of one year, I can definitely say these tips rock! Thanks Avani!
Comment by Tom Volkar / Delightful Work
#2 6. August 2008, 1:33 pm o'clock |
You’ve made it clear that your love remains strong throughout and in because you are investing in the relationship frequently.
These are excellent points relationship-building tips regardless of distance.
Comment by Ari Koinuma
#3 6. August 2008, 1:42 pm o'clock |
Wow, that’s a great article. Almost makes it seem like long-distance relationship is easy. ;-)
Not to devalue what you just wrote, however, isn’t the real challenge getting back together under one roof? I once read that that’s what happens to marriages involving professional sports players. When they are out playing and gone for most of the time, they can stay married — but once the player retires and stays home all the time, that’s when the trouble starts.
I look forward to your article on how to get back together. ;-)
ari
Comment by Vered
#4 6. August 2008, 2:15 pm o'clock |
My favorite is “connect and communicate”. These are important for any relationship, but are crucial for a long-distance relationship.
Comment by Avani-Mehta
#5 6. August 2008, 3:19 pm o'clock |
@Nathalie: You are welcome.
@Tom: I believe in a simple philosophy – no investment, no returns. Whatever is it that I want, I know I will have to give in a lot to recieve a lot.
@Ari: Touchwood, till now the honeymoon phase is on (and may it always be so). But your question is valid. I will definetely give some thought to what worked in my case.
@Vered: I agree. Without being able to connect and communicate, we would be so lost.
Comment by Marelisa
#6 6. August 2008, 7:05 pm o'clock |
Hi Avani: I think the key in any relationship is what you point out here: to love each other, to communicate, and to make sure that you are a part of each other’s daily life (even if by chatting over the internet). Very good points.
Comment by Evelyn Lim
#7 6. August 2008, 8:44 pm o'clock |
Great tips, Avani. I started out my relationship with my boyfriend-now-husband as a long distance one. Up until now, even after we got married, he was always away on business trips. So I can say that having trust and regular communication is very vital.
It’s lovely that your relationship stood the long distance apart. I wish you continued love and happiness always!
Comment by JHS
#8 10. August 2008, 5:53 am o'clock |
Thanks for participating in this week’s Carnival of Family Life hosted at All Rileyed Up tomorrow, Monday, August 11, 2008!
Comment by Donald Latumahina
#9 11. August 2008, 11:42 am o'clock |
Thanks for stopping by, everyone! I appreciate your sharing of thoughts here.
JHS,
It’s my pleasure to participate in your carnival.
Comment by Dylan Patel
#10 14. August 2008, 12:36 am o'clock |
Very very good advice, thanks alot.
Comment by Tiffany
#11 15. August 2008, 9:52 pm o'clock |
Tonight, I was sitting at my computer tearing up because my long distance partner had left today for a while again. As I was tearing up and blocking incoming phone calls, I thought I should google, long distance relationships and how to stay happy in them. I came upon your article and have never read such a wonderful, uplifting and motivating article in my life! After this, I am going to make a goal list of hobbies I have always wanted to do, call some friends back and just be happy! Thank you!
Comment by Alex
#12 18. August 2008, 10:25 pm o'clock |
Great article. I met and am now engaged to a lady who lives in a different state. Even though we are separated by only 50 miles, complications such as jobs, homes, and children (I am a widower with 2 kids, she is divorcee with 2 kids) require us to wait till next summer to be married. Even though we see each other every weekend, it’s still difficult to get to the stage in our relationship where we want to be with each other all the time but can’t. The days seem longer and frankly less fulfilling right now. We miss each other terribly but love each other so much we are determined to make this year a good one. Thanks for the uplifting article. Today is the first day after one of our great weekends, those days always seem to be harder.
Comment by nina
#13 20. August 2008, 2:32 am o'clock |
This article is going to be my religion from now!! my boyfriend and I are going to stick by this article as a guidline so we can get through this together as a team!! thank you soo much!!
Comment by Hazel
#14 22. August 2008, 9:13 pm o'clock |
A lot of long distance relationship articles mentioned that a timeline or an agreement of when the long distance part should end is important. But you didn’t touch upon this. I’m trying to reconcile this factor right now with my partner. We don’t exactly know when we will be back together in the same city. And that bothers me a little that we don’t even have a vague idea. I understand that circumstances will change. Like 4 months can turn into 8, 8 into 12.
Comment by Michelle
#15 24. August 2008, 6:16 am o'clock |
Here’s a great list of things LDR couples can do together (or for each other): http://www.lovingfromadistance.com/thingsforldrcouplestodo.htm
Comment by Prabu
#16 27. August 2008, 12:19 pm o'clock |
Super cool article. Will keep referring back!
My relationship looked broken because I was expecting physical closeness. I am challenging belief. What if you are distant?
Thank you for the article.
Comment by dianne
#17 20. September 2008, 7:21 am o'clock |
very nice article..i’ve sent it to my husband email way back home…very informative one…im sure this will work things out..tnx
Comment by Dillasoe
#18 23. September 2008, 3:26 am o'clock |
Thanks,
Im so lucky to find this site.
Actually im kind of having a crisis for my LDR.
Now we feel like we are “in the middle of nowhere”.
I m sending him this site and i hope he is reading this also,
and hope this LDR will work better for us…
I do trust him and i believe he trust me so, i think he trust me more, than i do to him.
BUT the thing is how can i handle this feeling being “so far” as i live in Jakarta, and he is in Paris….
Anyone could help me?
Comment by Avani-Mehta
#19 23. September 2008, 12:59 pm o'clock |
Dillasoe,
You simply will have to embrace the ‘being so far’ feeling. There is nothing that can reduce this distance.
For me, staying in regular communication with my partner helped a lot. We both would remember minor details of what happened today to share with each at the next chat session. This sharing of small things and being on a lookout for things to share made a lot of difference.
If you aren’t working, then I suggest to find a project which can take up substantial part of your day. Something which you enjoy doing. Tutor kids, master a hobby, learn something new etc – anything which you can put all your focus and energy in. As they say, an idle mind is a devil’s workshop. If you have something to focus your mind on, it will be easier for you to pass your day, trust your partner and miss him less.
I used to work as a senior s/w programmer back in India. Was actively involved in the it project, used to take training sessions for my team and for the new batch of freshers.
In addition to all this, I usually stayed busy with organising and managing sangeets (dance program in an indian wedding) for relatives, read like crazy (am an avid book reader. Must have read atleast 4 books a week. Had joined a library). And for whatever time was left (which surprisingly still turned out to be a lot), I spent with my family.
I loved every minute of it (and of course still missed my partner).
Best of luck to you.
Comment by safia
#20 21. October 2008, 5:03 pm o'clock |
This was a great help Thanks
Comment by Ben
#21 26. October 2008, 8:18 am o'clock |
Great article, full of useful tips, if you are in a LDR check http://www.waiit.com it is a cool website with articles, forums, testimonials from other couples in Long Distance Relationships
Comment by Jane
#22 7. November 2008, 5:13 pm o'clock |
One of the biggest obsticles in my LDR is that I have become extreamly needy, and he has shut down emotionally. We havnt seen eachother in 8 months, and today we had a bit of a breakthrough, and things seem to be alot clearer now.
We have become so stuck in the waiting, and the future, that we completely forgot about now, and our realtionship together. It is important not to see a LDR as a transition, rather as a relationship in its own right that has its own ups and downs.
Comment by Stacey
#23 17. November 2008, 11:41 pm o'clock |
My husband and I have been married for the last 6 months. But we only stayed together for 18 days. He had to leave because of his job. I don’t know when I’ll see him next. I miss him a lot. Some days are worse than others. We talk on webcam everyday but it’s still not same..:(
Comment by Dilaa Love Her Knight
#24 28. November 2008, 10:48 am o'clock |
This really really make me conscious. We don’t need to look unhappy even if we are miles apart from the one that we loved. Thaaanks so much for your advice. LOVE IT SO MUCH !
You help me , a lot =) !
Comment by tot2ivn
#25 5. June 2009, 1:27 pm o'clock |
Great article.. Thanks a lot !!
Comment by Amanda
#26 14. June 2009, 6:29 pm o'clock |
Great post! I have recently written an ehow article based on tips from my own 2+ year LDR (Paul lived in Japan, I was in the United States). Here is a link: http://www.ehow.com/how_5092002_grow-long-distance-relationship-ldr.html
Thanks!
Comment by paroquiademontelavar.org
#27 7. July 2009, 6:35 pm o'clock |
Communication, trust, honesty and passion will strengthen your relationship whilst you’re apart but you really have to believe in each other and your relationship for it to succeed…. although long distance relationships can be difficult, they can work and do work for many couples if both parties put in the effort.
Comment by Brittany
#28 16. August 2009, 10:22 am o'clock |
This article has really helped me…. I just started a long distance relationship and i’ve been very nervous on how this is supposed to work … I read your tips and I feel a lot better now …. I’m just worried about how hard it’s going to be
Comment by jeff bawden
#29 9. October 2009, 7:08 am o'clock |
thankyou its so hard the first long distance relationship,love
jeff
i hope it gets easier
Comment by Suzanne
#30 13. December 2009, 5:08 pm o'clock |
Excellent article. Very helpful and affirming. Thank you!
Comment by Bruno
#31 30. December 2009, 9:15 pm o'clock |
Forgive me for this but I’ve been having a very depressing time latelly and feel I need help…
I live in Portugal and started a relationship with a girl from the UK. I’ve seen her when I went there but it only lasted 3 days and we’ve been apart for 2 weeks. I feel something is wrong after I came back, because she became very difficult to reach for contact for whatever reason. I try to contact her everyday and I can only just reach her in the last moment, somedays I can’t get her at all… I really love her and I am so afraid of losing, did I blew my relationship with her?
Comment by Avani-Mehta
#32 5. January 2010, 6:59 pm o'clock |
Bruno,
I am not qualified to answer this question of yours so do not accept whatever I write below blindly. This is just my point of view.
For how long did you know the girl in UK before you started your relationship? Three days seems like a very short time to me to lay a base for a real strong relationship.
There could be two reasons why you can’t catch hold of her –
1. She is genuinely busy and the timing is off.
2. It was just a fling for her and she is not interested in pursuing a relationship.
Only she can answer which one of the above two is it for her. The next you do get to talk to her, please do get clear on this so that you can decide your plan of action accordingly.
Hope things work out for you.
Comment by Anna
#33 7. January 2010, 9:46 pm o'clock |
Hi,
My relationship with my boyfriend is going strong, we fight a bit ,but its because I miss him dearly,so I tend to start fights just so I can hear him console me and make me feel better. Lately, I fall into these “down moments” where I miss him so much it’s sickening. We have been doing long distance for a year now. From Africa, Northern Canada and now the same province, I’m still missing him. ANnyways your article was helpful and made me open my eyes to long- distance relationships. Thank you.
Comment by Bruno
#34 1. February 2010, 4:37 am o'clock |
To Avani
You were right, it was the 2nd option.
But it ended up in the worst way it could, she basically abandoned me…
After that message I left in the end of the year she disappeared for 2 weeks and when she came back, avoided me like no tomorow so I ended up getting the message the hard way.
Now she went to France for work and she’ll be back in the same time I’m going back to the UK for events, and she’s probably goint to them too.
But I’m not going to talk to her even if she dares to aproach me, got me too heartbroken to lower myself to that point.
Anyway, thank you so much Avani-Mehta.
I’ll be more careful for the next LDR I get into.
Comment by Anna Payan
#35 23. February 2010, 3:00 pm o'clock |
What I like about this blog is that you can just write down your feelings and not be judged because similar people are going through the same thing. I am in a long distance relationship right now and find it to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I am engaged and while that does help knowing that we are in a serious relationship, there is still temptation out there, and especially because I am young. We talk to each other everyday, on the phone, or computer. It makes it so much easier that we live in a time where people can see each other via skype. This makes the time go by faster and easier because you can see the person face to face. And while Long Distance isn’t easy my fiance and are moving in together in August and I can’t wait! Thanks for creating a page where you can talk to people with similar situations. I would like to know what some of you guys do to make the time apart to go by faster while being in a long distance relationship.
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