Note: This is a guest post by Avani Mehta of Avani-Mehta

And Ever Has It Been That Love Knows Not Its Own Depth Until The Hour Of Separation. – Kahlil Gibran

As if it was not difficult enough to have a happy and successful relationship, some of us have to manage with long distances as well. The one we love is apart from us by miles, states and sometimes oceans. Whoever said that “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” surely hasn’t shared the entire version. Otherwise there would have been a mention of – Absence makes heart ache for the loved the one, it makes heart cry.

Long Distance RelationshipsAs I bid farewell to my husband 4 months after our marriage, I didn’t know that fate had around 2 years of separation in store for us. But soon, 4 months became 8 and 8 became 12 and … Suprisingly, these two years went like a breeze. Without mega fights, without being miserable and more importantly with us being crazily in love with each other as ever before.

A friend of mine asked me some weeks back that how did I manage to have a happy and successful long distance relationship with my spouse for over a period of two years, how did I survive the separation. And I had no answer then because we didn’t have to work much on it. However the question got me thinking.

And I realised that having a happy, loving “long distance” relationship and having a happy, loving “close proximity” relationship isn’t really that different. Both require their own set of adjustments; but in all, nothing changes. The needs are still the same – to love and be loved, to connect, to cherish, be friends and be there for each other.

So, let’s get started …

Do Long Distance Relationships Work?

Yes, they do. They work as well or as poorly as any other relationship. Being physically separated seems to have very little or no impact in one way or other on the relationship.

The key is to stay positive, stay optimistic. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that long distance relationships don’t work. The assumption that long distance relationships don’t work is enough to sabotage it. Moreover, the question to ask is not whether long distance relationships work, but whether you want to make it work. Are you willing to put in the effort required to make it work?

Ok Then, What Kind Of Effort Is Required To Make It Work?

A long distance relationship is different from a close promixity relationship because your partner is not physically present with you. This changes how you communicate and stay in touch with each other. This provides with a challenge to be a part of each other’s life inspite of the distance.

You will be required to put in effort to re-learn some of the ways of communicating and staying in touch with each other, to re-learn how to be intimate with each other. There are a lot of non-verbal cues which we take for granted such as body language, facial expressions etc which work like a window to the heart of our loved ones. These cues will be present in a different form since your mode of communication will change. You will have to learn these new cues and learn to be more expressive verbally to make up for the cues lost.

How To Have A Happy And Successful Long Distance Relationship?

There are only two factors that contribute to having a happy and successful long distance relationship. While these seem very simple, don’t under-estimate either of them. The two factors are:

1. Be Happy

A “happy you” can bring a lot of happiness in lives of your loved ones. A “unhappy you” cannot do so. So focus on your happiness. As you begin to stay happy, this happiness will automatically reflect in each and everything that you touch.

Can I really be happy? I mean, Is it allowed to be happy in times of separation?

A lot of us think that we “should not” or “can not” be happy. After all, our partner is away from us, what right do we have to be happy. What would people think if we are equally happy with and without our partner? Wouldn’t that then be proof that I don’t love my partner a lot?

Nothing could be further from truth. Of course you can be happy. Being happy is your right; and no event, no person, nothing in this world can take this right away from you. Yes, separation does cause pain and longing for the loved one but there is no need to be sad and look unhappy just to prove your love. Love simply is, there is no need for you to prove your love to anyone, let alone people.

The more you stay happy, the more your partner will be happy. For wherever your partner is, he/she would want you to be happy. And if you are not, it would be on top of his/her mind always. Your unhappiness equates to your partner being unhappy and consistently worried about you. Learn to be happy and set your partner free of a lot of heart aches and worries.

All right, I agree. But who will make me happy. My partner is not around. I am so sad. :-(

The answer in one word is “You”. You become the source of your happiness, you become the reason for your happiness. Make your happiness independant of people, make it independant of external events. Being happy is not only your right; but also your responsibility. In no way is your partner or your family or your friends responsible for your happiness. They can be a part of it, they can bring happiness in your life but still, the responsibility to be happy lies with you.

Agreed. Happiness is my Right and Responsibility. What’s the second key factor that contributes to a happy and successful long distance relationship?

2. Connect & Communicate

Converse, communicate, connect, share … there is nothing I would like to put more emphasis on that this. If communicating isn’t your domain, if you are not a very verbal, expressive person, if your partner used to listen and understand your silence till now, this is the time to update your skills. As I have shared below, being a part of each others life is now going to become one of your high priorities. And leave no stone unturned to do so. This will determine how much connected you feel with each other, this will determine how much satisfied you feel with your relationship, your conversations and life in general. This is what is going to keep you sane in times of separation.

Ok, Got it. Communicate, Communicate & Communicate! But how often? And how much?

Truly, this is something only you can answer for yourself. You will have to experiment to Find Out What Works For You and what is comfortable for you.

We used to chat for one hour everyday either early mornings or late nights as comfortable. Weekends were like dessert; with long long hours of chatting. A lot of couples chat for 5-10 mins 4-5 times a day. Some, don’t chat regularly.

Whatever you do, it’s important to Create a Routine. If we chatted in morning, then every morning without fail that will be the case. If it’s evening, then evening. Having some routine, a kind of consistency helped. It gave a sense of security, it showed that we can still rely on each other. Having a consistent time also helps in planning for the rest of the day.

No matter what routine you create, remember to Be Flexible Always. There are times when because of work deadlines, or other life events we cannot give even one hour to our partner. It’s difficult to promise when would we chat or for how much time or whether we would chat at all. At those times, we decide to live life as if there were no plans to chat. If, we both are free and get the opportunity to chat, we treat it as bonus. This frees both of us to do whatever we want with our time and helps in not building any resentments or unnecessary time bindings.

What are the options available to talk to each other?

Thanks to technology, there are lot of options available. Yahoo chat has been our favourite with GTalk as back up if Yahoo Messenger starts giving trouble. Webcam seems like a god gift whenever there is a desire to see each other. Sometime later we installed VOIP as well. That gives a phone in India US number. We could talk long hours with help of this since my spouse is charged of calling a US local number. Apart from these, we also conversed via emails, mobile and SMS. Use of these were very short. To give short updates or whisper sweet nothings. But they sure make up your day. A lot of people online vouch for snail mail – actually write and post letters. They claim writing brings out their creative side and brings romance in the relationship.

What About The Times When We Fight?

There are some really simple rules to fighting:

  • It is okay to fight
    It is all right to fight and argue. Supressing feelings is not healthy. We might think of trying to save our partner from a bad day or some difficult times. But often, supressing feelings can become long term and totally unhealthy. Whenever these feelings blow up, things will be more unpleasant than one can imagine.
  • Fight fair
    To fight fair simply means to fight about what is currently bothering you. Not to bring up past, not to bring up other issues at the same time. Not to make generalisations, not to play the blame game. Focus on the issue and resolve it. Always remember it is not you against your partner. It is you both together as a team against some problem. If one of you tends to bring up past or issues other than the current one, allow the other person to correct you. You can simply list down other issues to solve “after” this one gets solved.
  • Fight over phone with webcam on
    It is very easy to misunderstand when we are fighting with each other. Often what is said and what is understood is quite different leading to additional problems. Do yourself a favour, fight on phone with webcam on. Voice and face both give cues to what you are trying to say. They help connect with each other. Use them to your advantage.
  • Use your sensibility and maturity at all times while fighting
    No one gets to bang the phone down. No one gets to avoid communication. Stay sensible and matured. Fighting itself is painful for both. Do not make it more painful by trying to avoid or punish your partner. This is one of the drawbacks or advantages of long distance relationship. You don’t get to do any of these. Your partner cannot come running to you to make things all right.
  • Improvise your fights
    While fighting, there will come a time when you are not sure of what to do exactly. Should you argue back, should you simply listen, should you take the practical stand and solve the problem or should you be emphatic and understand your partner’s feelings, should you give space to your partner and give some time to sulk or converse till things get sorted. These options are really confusing. Hence, after the fight is over, pick up these moments and choices you made and ask your partner, that the next time something like this happens, what should you do. Remember what your partner says and apply next time – things will be easier than last time because of this.

What Is The Greatest Difficulty Faced In A Long Distance Relationship?

The greatest difficulty that couples in a long distance relationship face is to be a part of each other’s life. Important issues and emotions still get shared but small things are missed out. A funny event that happened in office, your little adventure while grocery shopping, a mail that touched you, updates of a friend who called, a penny of your thoughts for the day – these seem irrelevant and unimportant on their own. Moreover, after a week they lose their importance. But when shared daily, they create a sense of inter-relatedness. They make others feel as if they are a part of your lives. Establishing and maintaining this inter-relatedness is the greatest difficulty that couples in a long distance relationship face. [COMMUNICATE !]

What Is The Biggest Mistake Made In A Long Distance Relationship?

As mentioned above, establishing inter-relatedness is very difficult; some couples go over board with this and stop their lives to be able to stay in touch always. They stop socialising, stop meeting friends and family, stop all outside activities – basically put life on hold for conversations with their partners. Not having a life of their own is the biggest mistake that couples in a long distance relationship make.

Having a social life is a must. Maintaining contact with family and friends, those who love you is important. Each of us has a need to talk to loved ones face to face, to touch, hug, share smiles and know we are cared for. There is no bigger mistake that ignoring this need, ignoring ourselves. While we do so for a better relationship, isolation by no ways can help a relationship grow. Life simply cannot be put on hold for anything. [BE HAPPY !]

What Are The Dos And Don’ts ?

  • Enjoy your life. Have fun. Make new friends, form new hobbies, spend time with friends and family. Make best of the time available
  • Share your feelings.
  • Create a strong support system.
  • Trust your partner unconditionally, don’t be suspicious.
  • Respect each others time. If either wishes to spend time with friends or family, honour the wish. Family and friends form as much a part of your partner’s life as you do.
  • Do not sweat the small stuff. Learn to let go.
  • No matter how frustrated you are, remember that this too shall pass away; this is not how it is going to stay forever
  • Do get all mushy and romantic
  • Don’t forget to have fun together
  • Have a common hobby/passion. Ours was investing in stock market and making money out of money
  • Plan for the times together. Spend a day or two exclusively with each other when both are in same town. We used to go on a 2-3 day short vacation everytime my spouse returned back home (once in every 4-6 months).

Honestly, How Difficult Is This Going To Be?

Staying apart from loved one is always difficult. Nothing can replace complete presence of a loved one in our life. Even if you apply everything mentioned above or anywhere else, you will still miss your partner very much, you will still remember your partner everytime you go out, everytime you see something great. Everytime you see something which brings out a ‘wow’ from you, you will terribly miss your partner and wish there were here to share this. And missing is good. Missing your partner simply means you want him/her to be with you. Staying away from loved one will always be very very difficult.

But the point is, your relationship doesn’t have to be difficult. Inspite of all the distance that comes in between both of you, you can still be an important part of each others life, you can still love each other like crazy, you can still share all your small titbits with your partner, you can still have a happy, loving, fulfilling, successful relationship. You can still have a fantastic relationship – just the way you want.

Avani Mehta is a passionate student of life. She maintains a personal development blog at Avani-Mehta. For those who are reading her articles for the first time, you can begin by reading The Best of Avani-Mehta. You can subscribe to her blog by RSS or Email.

This article is part of August 2008 theme: Relationships

Photo by batega


Categories: Relationship

Please use your real name and note that I reserve the right to delete inappropriate comments.

  • makinde paul

    it’s 5yrs now and still going stornger.thanks

  • http://www.lose9.com Kathlyn Garnet

    Hi! I just came across your post and it really helped me a lot. My boyfriend right now has been assigned abroad and I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that is he million miles away. This is made even harder by the fact that he does not currently have internet nor phone connection so I have to just wait for him to find a way to get in touch with me. The waiting is unbearable and the lack of communication is of no help. Sometimes, jealousy gets the best of me and I keep thinking that he might be having affairs while he is there.

    Somehow your post has given me a guide on how to better handle the situation. Thank you very much!

  • Jesseka James

    This article really helped my bf moved on me shortly after we started dating and its been wicked hard i just came up to see him for the first time since he left and i had my doubts it would work but after leaving hima second time i relized i care so much bout him and this article has some nice tips to help pass the time til lwe are together again :)

  • James

    Me and my girlfriend are both 14 and were both moving away, and are waiting for school to be over with, we both love eachother very much and are growing stronger because of this, Thank you.

  • Erin

    I appreciate finding this article. My boyfriend and I have been long distance for 7 months now and have another 2 years ahead of us in a cross-country relationship. It’s nice to find articles showing that a long distance relationship longer than just a few months can work out.

  • star

    this article makes me realize that sometimes i am so greedy.. i dont know but i just miss him so much.. i know all of our arguments is my fault but i just need appreciation.. i dont why am i so insecure. but through this article i was awaken by the thing that should be done, i regret the things when i start to snob…

  • Rusty

    This is then the exact article I’ve been looking for…since everything written there really happens in ones life…(considering my self) You don’t know how much you inspired me on your insights…
    …in connection with this, hope you could produce an article on how to handle a situation like HAVING A NEW INSPIRATION EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT YET THROUGH IN YOUR PAST COMMITMENT, GIVEN THREE OF YOU KNOWS THE SITUATION….hopefully it will be published soon.

  • daniel erchedi

    I read it all what u wrote here and i can say i agree with all your points of view…Distance cannot, and will not hurt a bond between two people that is based on mutual respect, trust, commitment, and love.

  • Jules

    Finally! An article that gets down to the real thing. My partner, of 4 years, told me this morning that he is probably going to go and work overseas for 6 months soon, in a business he was involved in before I met him. I have been searching the net for a real, helpful account on how best to survive this separation. Thank you Avani Mehti. Your advice to remain happy and get on with my own life, while keeping connected to him as much as possible, has confirmed that this is the best course of action.

  • Rina

    This helped me a lot. My boyfriend and I had been together for a little over a year when he accepted a teaching job 3 hours away and I had to stay where I was to finish up my nursing school. We have a year and a half left of the separation but have successfully made it through the first six months. It seems to get easier with time but when we get to see each other the pressure to have a “perfect” time can cause fights. Those are definitely the worst part :(

  • Lauren

    This was so, so incredibly helpful. Thank you. College has separated my boyfriend and I and turned what was a one-hour distance into 11. We’ve still been going strong since the school year began, but this was wonderful advice.

  • sheri

    thank you for this. it helped so much. :)

  • ejl

    me and my boyfriend had a long distance relationship since then, and we are celebrating our 3rd year anniversary next year. thanks to this article, it helps a lot. now he’s working abroad. miles away from me, but still we are going more stronger. :))

  • dear

    after reading this post it gives a big help for me to understand..

  • leila

    I really loved this post. It made me realize a lot of things. Thanks to you. :)

  • Thea

    I came to this post at a perfect timing! Thank u so much!

  • Maria

    Lovely article. My boyfriend and I have been together and a long distance relationship for 2 years and 5 months. This article really details all you need to know on how to maintain a great relationship even at a distance. I think my biggest issue is staying positive that we will be together one day. My biggest frustration is my lack of visibility to our future. It makes me wonder how you know when it is time to let go.

  • kassy

    hey iam just starting a long distance relationship iam so in to this guy and iam gonna make it work

  • http://www.gmail.com Immz

    I am having a long distance with my galfriend and i am trying to make it work. but i am not sure she is ready ready for us. Um in to her and i want her alot, i love her and i will make sure this works out…

  • diana di m. de veyra

    i want to recieve any suggestions, advices, any reactions for how to manage and pursue a long distance relationships.

  • diana di m. de veyra

    i am surprisingly and happy to see and read this article on how to manage a long distance relationships. i hope you can send me in my email a lot’s of piece advice because i wanted and planning to have a good partner in life in the future comes

  • belen

    I’m 15 and so is my boyfriend, we’ve been going out for abot a year now and we love each other. We live in Spain but he is moving away to Brazil because of his father’s work… We belive we can make it through this, we just have to wait until we are 18, then his mom will let him come leave here if we’re still toghether. She said he’ll let him visit and try to convince my parents to let me go there, if not at least i’ll see him at least twice a year. If you don’t count this year or the year he comes back, we have to wait two years to be toghether again… He says he will wait all there is to wait, that he will go anywhere I am as soon as he is old enough to do so, he says as long as I still love him, it can work… well I guess it can, and I really hope so because no matter what they say, thet we’re too young etc. I am in love with him and belive we can make it… Do you think it’s possible? any recomendations?

    • Jack chen

      Maybe this year you are 16, so you have to wait for another two years. Best wishes to you !

  • Shannon

    Thank you. This is the best advice I’ve read. I’m currently going through a separation due to a job change with my partner. We are devoted to each other and want to make it work. The biggest thing for me, as a result of the move being recent, is being able to stay positive and happy. We are so close and literally best friends. It’s hard to be happy but I know I need to and my relationships with family and friends strong. Thank you again for very insightful advice.

  • Dar

    Thank you. I never get tired of reading this. thank you so much. I miss you Zead.

  • Sarah

    It’s a very helpful information. Thank you.

  • Andrea

    AWESOME information…….will read over and over again. My boyfriend lives in Brisbane, Australia and I am in Colorado USA. We have actually done or have gone through ALOT of what was written already. We are determined to make our relationship work out. We are about to see each other for the first time physically this month. He bought a ticket to come see me and the whole purpose of this visit is to get to know each other. After this visit……..we will know if we are to continue on. I pretty much know that we will. Thank you again.

  • simit

    Actually i was looking for a blog like this one…
    It really help me by optimizing my thoughts regarding my and my long distant love!!!

  • Clara

    This was really great, thanks ! Gave me a lot of hope. I have been with my boyfriend for the last 4.5 years now, we even went to the same university, and now he has moved oceans away to another university to pursue his higher studies, its only been 2 months since the separation, but it already feels like an eternity, things get really tough. We were supposed to meet in December this year, but we just realised its not going to work, which means we cant see each other anytime soon, not until 10 months later and this is taking a really bad toll on me…but thanks to this article, I know how to manage stuff :)

  • akshayaa

    Hi, this is an article which helps people love eachother in long distance relationship. yes, obviously i and my partner dint see for past 4 years. i miss him.. we met in school life and now we are graduates. still a lot iof fights happen and we nver turned up to see.. and you.. we are engaged now :) gonna marry soon by next year . every distance to make us to gether through out the life time. we are the same and MADE FOR EACHOTHER. MISS U MY LOVE SOORAJ :) HAVE FUN GUYS :)

  • Mwamba John

    i have come to realize the mistakes i was making and i want to learn more about this.

  • Ankan

    I have been to a long distance relationship for the last 10 Years..!! Yes you heard it right. 10 years. We are staying thousands of miles away !!! Infact I could well be a role model or this kind of Article !!! I was very proud of my relationship which started when I was at X th standard. Everything was going fine and I planned for my higher studies(MBA) so thought of better to being engaged with her to ease her agony since we are of same age n she being a Girl from orthodox family.
    But the unfortunate thing that brought me to read this article is – even after having a 10 years healthy relationship she ditched me.. she ditched me at the end of the game. just 6 months ago. I was shocked, n couldn’t even believe my ear when she herself was telling me the truth. But after getting some proves I feel like entire sky feel upon my sky, I started shivering, become a psychological patient who lost confidence over himself. Life has lost its meaning to me in all aspect so the Words like Relationship,Love n all..
    Even being a Boy and staying out of the state I just can’t forget her.. Still wondering how come she forget everything which I can’t. Anyway its a long story.. today I am alive is a mystery by it self. Dont know how long would be able to sustain this pain. I am not discouraging people from Love rather I am showing you all another aspect of it. No matter how much depth you are in Love but have an Idea of your Life without her (which I never did..)

    ” Life is Uncertain and so do the Relations… “

  • maryam mbogo

    thanx i think this can help me and my bf manage our distance relationship………

  • mari beth king

    i am so desperate on how to keep the fire burning in my marriage life of 2 months now. Living a million miles away from each other made so difficult and full of challenges . came across this page while searching for something and somehow it helped me build more hope. i hope its not late yet to bring his trust and belief in our marriage life. i love him more than my life

  • Leandro Martinez

    Awesome post it really helps me a lot. Here is my story…I went to Cuba the 24th of December to see my family and spend time over there (notice I live in Florida) I was bored to death until the 28th, the 28th everything changed for me, my whole trip changed. I met a girl, I brought her home with me we talked about each other and we told each other about ourselves and everything. I walked her home with my arm around her and everything. When I got to her house we made out. She told me to go to her house the next day I went and the rest of the time I was there we were together unlike the 2nd that’s when I had to come back and we decided to keep our relationship. Now I write to her through email and she replies to me every Monday and Tuesday and Saturday and I call her on Sundays only because it costs a lot to call over there and she has to go to another city to write to me. I play for my schools football team and it helps me forget about the pain but I love her and miss her so much. Any tips can help. Thank you

  • Sage

    Thanks dear for the blog, I pray it will work for my relationship

  • kareen foz

    This article helps me a lot..my husband is a overseas worker and its really hard to be apart to your love ones.

    Thank you!! :)

  • ella

    hi love this article but one thing i dont abide to is the fact that you should socialise…. i am in a long distance relationship my self and it means the world to me if you want your relationship to work avoid socialising to the highest level as this might lead you to do things you were not suppose to do if you were at home am a proud faithful girlfriend am just patiently waiting for my angel to be back so that all the things i didnt do while he was away il do them with him…

  • Jane

    I’ve been reading these forums for a while now and had to write my story. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half now and we have had a long distance relationship for 2.5 months (will be 3 once we see each other). We decided in March that she leave then and I will follow in July. Before she moved we lived together for 5 months and it was the best 5 months of both of our lives. Our relationship was and still is amazing. Neither one of us has ever felt this way about anyone else. From the beginning, our relationship took off and it felt like we knew each other before. We instantly fell in love and it just kept getting better. A year and a half later and I still get butterflies when I see her pic.
    Fast forward to now a few days before I’m supposed to move cross country to resume our life together she tells me we need to talk and she doesn’t think it’s a good idea I move right now. She has had time to think and be alone (hasn’t been alone in a very long time, jumps from relationship to relationship) and feels like she needs time to work on herself because the only thing in her life that makes her happy is me. We both agreed that isn’t healthy. She said she wants me there so badly and the selfish thing would be is to have me move and then she will avoid her problems and continue not dealing with her them. She said I make her so happy and things are so great that she does not deal with the problems she needs to. Her mother passed away less than a year ago and her cat that she has had in her family for 22 years also was just put to sleep. A lot of tragic things have happened in the past year and a half but we’ve always managed to figure it out because we love each other so much. She freaked out at the idea of me moving across country for our relationship, even though this was my idea and something that I have wanted for a while. She also said she does not want to be responsible for me moving all the way over there and things don’t work out. I told her I was the one who suggested this move and I would never hold her responsible. If she were still here we run the risk of it not working out, nothing is guaranteed.
    Her life has been crazy as of late and her job does not make the situation easier. She said with all that she needs to do ie. work on herself to get better and happy, work, and family obligations our relationship needs to be on hold. She said it wouldn’t be fair for me if she was in this half assed. It all makes sense but it sucks bc I love her so much and you all don’t know me but I’m never like this. I found the one and I know she feels the same way. I really think this is important for her and our relationship in the future, I support her 100% and always will no matter what the outcome is. It just really hurts and lately she has been cold and pulling away. She did say she would have to pull away because that would be a part of this taking time thing but I just feel like I’m losing her and don’t know what’s going on in her life. I guess that’s a part of taking time but it’s really killing me. I know it’s also killing her because all we have been doing for the past week is crying. I’m going to see her in a week and I am really excited because we haven’t seen each other in 3 months. I did come up with a plan that I would move out there and get my own place, job and life and we can see where it goes from there. Because the reason I wanted to leave here have not changed. She freaked out a little again and said I have to make decisions regarding me not us and said I would have to buy a car and blah blah. Those are things I had to already do if I had moved in with her.She also said that if I do move I can’t get mad or frustrated when she still takes her time and works on herself. Which I made clear to her that I wouldn’t, that isn’t my style. I was a little hurt at her reaction and said she is taking this really well and I hope to be where she is one day. She stated that I don’t know how she feels and what she does behind closed doors because she is feeling and going through same thing. She said there have been multiple times where she has wanted to pick up the phone and tell me to move over there but then doesn’t bc she knows if she does not fix the things she needs to it won’t work between us. I was wondering if anyone out there had advice for me? I would really appreciate anything you want to share. Thanks in advance for taking out the time to read this, have a great day! :)

  • Jack chen

    I’m so sorry ..///My girlfriend does not answer my phone.I think I can’t be with her the following years………………………………………………..

  • Catherine

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