Don’t make friends who are comfortable to be with. Make friends who will force you to lever yourself up.
Thomas Watson
It’s true that we need to gather around positive people if we want to grow. But – as counterintuitive as it might seem – your “bad” friends can also help you grow. Your annoying and irritating friends can enrich your life if you treat them the right way. Looking that way, they are actually not bad. Just here I will use the term “bad friends” to refer to friends that are difficult to deal with.
Bad friends can enrich your life by helping you develop the traits you need. I’m sure there are good traits you want to have in life, but do you think you can just have them right away? No, the traits must be developed and you can only develop them through training. Your bad friends can provide you with the training you need.
For example, you want to be patient. You can’t just suddenly be patient out of nothing. To be patient you must go through situations that make you angry. These situations train your patience muscle. If you handle such situations the right way, you will be more patient. After experiencing such situations for a few years, you will see that many situations that previously make you angry will no longer be problems.
Your bad friends can give you situations through which you can develop your character. When you look at it this way, you should actually be grateful for them because they make you a better person.
It’s not easy to have this perspective, especially in the midst of difficult situations, but it’s necessary for your personal growth. Here are some tips to help you grow through bad friends:
1. Find people who are different from you
If you just gather with like-minded people, the chance is small that you will find those that can shape your character. They can enrich you in many ways, but they won’t develop your character.
So find people who are different from you. Find people who see and do things in a different way. Move out of your comfort zone and befriend various kinds of people.
2. Don’t avoid bad friends
When we befriend different kinds of people, chance is we will find some that we don’t feel comfortable with. Our first reaction when we meet such people is to just avoid them. Don’t. I know it’s not easy to do, but if you avoid them you will lose the opportunity to grow. Remind yourself of the great benefits these people can bring to you. Finding people who can develop your character is perhaps more valuable than finding people who can develop your knowledge.
3. Train your muscles
Now that you have these bad friends around you, let them train your character muscles. When they present you with challenging situations, don’t try to run away from them. Face them wisely. Be patient. Be humble. Stay in your training session so that you can get the most out of it.
4. Know your limit
While you need to stay in your training session, you also need to know your limit. Doing 100 push-ups while you can only do 30 won’t help your health. Train your character muscles, but know how much training you can bear. Otherwise, negative things could happen. You might no longer be able to control yourself and end up being furious. That will only make the situation worse.
So stop your training session when you know that you’ve reached your limit. Take rest, meet positive people, or simply avoid the bad friends for a while. Next time, train your character muscles further by being more patient.
5. Be persistent
No training will give you the results you want if you quit after only a few sessions. Be persistent in your character training. If you do that, you will eventually realize that you have developed the traits you want. It takes time, but you will come out as a better person.
***
It’s difficult to change other people, but you can change yourself. Your bad friends can help you a lot in the process.
What do you think?
Comment by Shanel Yang
#1 11. August 2008, 1:14 pm o'clock |
Donald – Normally I agree with most of what you say, so I’m surprised at this post. To me “bad friends” is an oxymoron. There are bad bosses, bad coworkers, bad peers, and even bad family members. But, friends should always be good friends (i.e. not toxic or overly negative as in high maintenance personalities) or else they should no longer be your friends — if you want any real hope of happiness in your life. I collected “300 Friendship Quotes” ( http://shanelyang.com/2008/08/05/300-friendship-quotes/ ) and reviewed perhaps a total of 500 or more in the process of that research. And in all that time I never found any quotes that recommended actually having/keeping bad friends.
Comment by Donald Latumahina
#2 11. August 2008, 7:42 pm o'clock |
Shanel,
Thanks for your input. I do have some difficult-to-deal-with people whom I call “friends”. They are not my close friends, since my close friends are all positive people, but they are my friends nevertheless.
In my case, it happens because I join social organizations in which I must work with different kinds of people, some are comfortable to deal with and some are not. Out of such experiences I learn how the difficult-to-deal-with friends (whom I call “bad friends” in the article) shape my character to the better.
Comment by Jade
#3 11. August 2008, 9:16 pm o'clock |
I had two “bad friends” who overacted to my words and spread rumors about me. The first one motivated me to get pulished in Chinese; the second one motivated me to get published in English. I don’t think they are my friends any more, but I can’t deny they are beneficial to my character strength.
Comment by Donald Latumahina
#4 11. August 2008, 10:52 pm o'clock |
Jade,
I have never met “bad friends” who spread rumors about me, so your situation must be difficult. I’m glad you take the positive side of the experience.
Comment by Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D.
#5 12. August 2008, 7:48 pm o'clock |
I’ve had enough character-building of this type, thank you very much.
Comment by Donald Latumahina
#6 12. August 2008, 9:47 pm o'clock |
Flora,
Everyone is different, of course. I can still learn a lot through them.
Comment by Aries
#7 17. August 2008, 10:22 am o'clock |
Nice article Don. Well if we think positively, those “bad friends” only “different” from our nature, maybe the way we think, the way we act, etc.
I believe in everything there are causes and effects. Every men we met or yet to come have a purpose in our life. Well at least that’s what I believe. ^_^ Cheers.
Comment by Donald Latumahina
#8 19. August 2008, 11:38 pm o'clock |
Aries,
Thanks for stopping by.
I agree with you. That’s a good way to look at it.
Comment by Li
#9 21. August 2008, 11:32 pm o'clock |
So by your definition, I should not just befriend “positive” people but actively seek out “negative” people? And not only is it their problem that they are difficult to deal with but MY problem that I’m not patient enough with them? I don’t know what you definition character building is, but good luck in your pursuit in becoming a doormat.
Comment by Donald Latumahina
#10 22. August 2008, 7:21 am o'clock |
Li,
Of course we shouldn’t actively seek “negative” people. What I’m saying is we should take advantage of all kinds of people around us for our personal growth, not just the “positive” type but also the “negative” type.
I don’t know about you, but in my life there are both people who are easy and difficult to deal with. Rather than just blaming people who are difficult to deal with, why don’t we see our interaction with them in a positive way?
Comment by Chuck
#11 22. August 2008, 10:34 am o'clock |
I think this is the stupidest thing I’ve read all week. Wanna be friends?
Comment by sandy
#12 17. November 2008, 1:36 am o'clock |
I have a “friend” who wasn’t interested in a particular man until I was.. the other night she went up to him in the pub and straddled him.
There is no care in such a situation for me from her at all.
I beleieve any character building for me would come from choising not to have friends around me who simply have no care for me.
Am I missing something?
Comment by juliee
#13 4. December 2008, 11:49 pm o'clock |
hmm..i like this article..it give me a new perspective on how to handle people around me, rather than always be defensive (which i felt draining all my energy).it also a way of make out the positive out of negative situation..which is beneficial..is any other link or more info about this
character exercises..ive met enough of bully people…
Comment by Adil
#14 8. March 2009, 10:18 am o'clock |
I would accept this kind of advice for difficult colleagues, whom I have to learn to deal with. But I would NOT waste energy on building friendships with ‘difficult’ people, which are going to result in unbalanced, and ultimately unsatisfying relationships. You need to be a well-balanced and confident person to avoid getting emotionally thrown-off course by “bad friends” whose personalities clash enough to be a “challenge” to your character. But if you were that well-balanced in the first place, there would be no need to seek ‘bad friends’ for the purposes claims in the article.
The people you seek to ‘lever’ you up shouldn’t be “bad” friends. They should be people who have achieved what you aspire to achieve. Study their behaviours and see what they have done which are are not doing and can emulate.
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# 24. August 2008, 3:08 pm o'clock |
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