Note: This is a guest post from Marcus Taylor of Get Noticed

Have you ever considered that trying new experiences, such as eating new foods and trying new restaurants can make you more successful? Probably not, but there is in fact a very clear and profound link between the two.

Over the past few months I’ve been doing a lot of research whilst writing Get Noticed around the topic of how important trying new experiences are in meeting new people and ultimately developing strong relationships. The initial part of that link is that trying new experiences improves your communication skills. The second part of the link is that improving your communication skills has a positive impact on your social and financial success.

Research by The Dale Carnegie Foundation suggests that roughly 85% of our social and financial success in life is determined by our communication skills.

Many people have asked me what the link between communication skills and financial success is – the truth is that there are a multitude of links, but the most obvious explanation is that every monetary transaction requires two humans to interact in one form or another (be it a customer buying from a merchant, an advertiser paying to reach an audience, or an employer paying an employee). Communication skills facilitate these relationships and allow you to influence people’s decisions, therefore making these skills a valuable asset.

Here are five ways in which trying new experiences, such as going to a new restaurant, can impact your success.

1. Trying new experiences can get you a job

A survey conducted by the National Association of Colleges and Employers asked 1,000 employers what the most important skills for a job candidate were, the results showed that out of over ten different factors, communication skills were by far the most important.

In a world where smartphone addiction and anti-social networking prevail, communication skills are becoming an ever increasingly valuable asset for businesses who rely on human communication to win business.

2. Trying new experiences helps you connect with people

One of the most prominent aspects of your communication abilities is being able to develop rapport and deepen conversations with people you meet by identifying common interests and similarities between the two of you.

I was recently speaking with a client who mentioned that she was going out for dinner to try Kangaroo steak, and just several days beforehand I had tried Kangaroo for the first time. I told her that I’d recently tried it and that it was thoroughly recommendable, and we ended up having a rather extensive conversation about Australia and exotic foods. Without identifying that common ground, there’s a chance I may have missed the chance to develop rapport with her.

It may sound tenuous, but frequently trying out new experiences, such as eating new foods as just one example, is an excellent way for improving your social and financial success by building on your bank of conversational material that you will carry around for the rest of your life. That bank of material will help you when connecting with employers, customers, business partners, or even just friends who might eventually have a profound impact on your success.

3. Trying new experiences makes you appear more interesting

People who are well travelled and have experienced a greater deal of new experiences are typically much easier to hold an exciting conversation with as they can relate to more of the things you enjoy or have done. Being well experienced also makes you appear to be more interesting, which helps attract people into your life.

Be one of those people. The next time you think about going to that place you go to every weekend out of routine, stop and think about trying somewhere new, the experience might just help you build rapport with someone who might change your life.

4. Trying new experiences is inspirational

If you do the same old thing week in week out you’re going to struggle to find inspiration more so than a person who goes to new places, explores the world and actively seeks inspiration in the form of experiences.

Inspiration is what gives us desire, persistence and creativity. All great ideas were inspired from experiencing something. If you want to turbocharge your creativity and inspiration, start by trying some new experiences.

5. Trying new experiences grows your comfort zone

In April this year I decided to go skydiving from 13,000ft, not because I’ve also loved the idea and not because I’m an adrenaline junkie, but because I have a persistent urge to smash my comfort zone, and it seemed very far out of my comfort zone.

I once read a quote from a source I cannot remember which suggested that once expanded, our comfort zones never shrink to their previous size.

When you try new things, even as little as trying a new dish that you’ve never had before you expand your comfort zone, which makes other day-to-day challenges seem less significant.

In my case, if I am asked to do something seemingly challenging I just think to myself “this is nothing, I’ve jumped out of a plane before”.

Having an expanded comfort zone will help you in so many walks of life, especially in your career as it allows you to comfortably manage what other people would be too afraid to do. You will be calmer around problems and issues because you will have developed a bigger perspective.

Concluding thoughts

It’s hard to measure the financial or social impact that going out for a dinner at a new local restaurant will have, but what do you have to lose? Turning the opportunity down may not harm your social and financial life in any way but it’s more likely to make it stagnate, whereas you never know the impact that trying a new place may have on you over in the long run. My challenge to you is to set yourself a goal to try something new, whether it’s one new thing a month, a week, or even per day.

I’d be interested to know how you get on, so if you do try this feel free to share your experiences with me either on Twitter (@MarcusATaylor) or e-mail (Marcus at wegetnoticed dot com), I’d love to hear :)

Marcus Taylor is the co-author of Get Noticed, a book that explains how you can be in the right place at the right time, all the time, to meet the people who will improve your life. Marcus is also head of social media at SEOptimise.

Photo by I-5 Design & Manufacture

Note: This is a guest post from Geoff Peart, M.Ed. of My Social Upgrade

Last week I was at the grocery store when my three-year old toddler asked, “Daddy, I want that chocolate ice cream.” I suppose it was more a demand than a question. When I refused to put the chocolate ice cream in our cart, he quickly turned up his volume by about 100 decibels, and made his demand again. The last thing I wanted was to create a scene at the grocery store, so I gave in and placed the ice cream in the cart. He was very persuasive.

If you’re not a toddler, then screaming at the top of your lungs would probably not be very effective. But whether you want to admit it, we persuade people on a daily basis. In fact, we have to persuade people quite often to get what we want. I want you to read this article, so I started out with a relatable anecdote about persuasion to get you hooked. Did it persuade you to continue reading? If you want to upgrade your own persuasion skills, keep reading!

Stand in Their Shoes

You cannot persuade someone until you truly understand them. This is often over-looked. Don’t assume that you know what they want. Try to look at the issue from their perspective – not yours. Talk about how your request will benefit them and their goals, not yours. And don’t be afraid to simply ask what the other person is looking for. Ask what it would take to sway them.

Everyone has needs and wants. And those needs come in all shapes and sizes; primarily emotional, physical, material, and psychological. Are they looking for material gain and wealth? Do they just want to feel less stressed? When it comes to job satisfaction, you would expect that the average worker would care most about salary. Surprisingly, recent studies indicated that receiving appreciation was rated as much more important.

In addition, everyone has overt and covert needs and wants. They may express that they desire a nicer car – but they may really just want to feel more liked by their peers. Don’t ignore their underlying needs. People will rarely state their underlying needs – in fact, many needs are locked away in the subconscious. Luckily humans are very similar and have similar underlying needs. We all want to be liked, appreciated, less stressed, etc.

People Desire to Remain Consistent

There is a famous psychological concept called the Consistency Principle. Keep this in mind when persuading someone. Essentially it states that people prefer to remain consistent with their beliefs, feelings and actions.

Does your request take them off of their path? Are you asking them to be inconsistent with how they view themselves? If you’re trying to persuade someone who doesn’t gamble, that they should buy a flight to Vegas, you’re going to be asking them to veer off of their normal path.

Your best bet is to frame your request as something that keeps them on their path. Maybe they think of themselves as a techno-geek; so bring up how Vegas has a big techno convention coming up.

They Need to Like You

Liking and trust go hand-in-hand. If they like you, they’ll be more likely to trust you and what you have to say. And if they think you have many things in common, even better. If you demonstrate that you have some similarities, they’ll more likely assume that you understand them and their needs.

Don’t hesitate to subtly point out what you have in common. Do you know that they like the Detroit Lions too? Work into the conversation some interesting fact or news about the Lions. Do you see a diploma from MSU on their wall? Bring up something you know about MSU (it would be even better if you actually attended that school!).

Study their body language and preferences (this works well in interviews too). Are they more casual in dress or behavior? Are they leaning back in their chair or are they sitting up with perfect posture? Subtly mimic what they do and they’ll subconsciously view you as more like them. Do they prefer serious conversation or playful conversation? You get the idea.

Can They Trust You?

There are many ways of earning their trust. Make sure they know your credentials. Make sure they are aware of your experience or knowledge (without bragging).

A subtle trick to earning trust is by letting them in on private information. By disclosing some private information, they may be more likely to let you in on some inside information as well. Even if they do not return the favor, they will trust you more for showing them what was “behind the curtain.”

For example, you can say statements like, “Look, I’ll be honest with you, I’m just trying to meet my quota for this month…” or “Listen, usually we can’t do this, but I’ll offer ____ if you make your decision today.”

Telling someone that you are trying to sell them something can be more effective than you realize. People appreciate honesty. This works in the dating scene as well – one of the best lines for meeting someone at a bar is to avoid pick up lines and simply say something like, “Hi, I just wanted to meet you…I could buy you a drink or say something witty, but I figured I would just say hi.”

Use the Conformity Principle

This is another famous psychological principle. We are social beings and prefer to follow others than to go against the grain. Following others is easier, safer, and feels more natural for most people. There are thousands of studies on this fascinating principle if you want to learn more. One of my favorite experiments involved a bunch of hired actors who would ride an elevator and wait for someone to step inside. After a few seconds, all the actors would turn around and face the wall behind them. Almost every time, the innocent test subject would turn around too!

Use this principle to your advantage. By bringing up how others have agreed to your proposal, you will be more likely to persuade. Just remember, people are more likely to follow those who are similar to them. If you tell a CEO that all the call center representatives are doing it, the CEO may not care.

Play to Win – Together

Persuasion shouldn’t be as much about winning a battle as it is about winning together. Successful persuasion occurs when both sides are happy. Look for the option that benefits everyone if you can. Never do something that may turn sour for the other person because you may cross paths again in the future.

Geoff Peart, M.Ed., is the author of the blog, www.mysocialupgrade.com, where people can learn more about how to improve their social skills and improve their lives. All of the content is free and updated weekly. Geoff is constantly searching for the secrets of good conversation and welcomes any feedback.

Photo by Astragony

Note: This is a guest post from Geoff Peart, M.Ed. of My Social Upgrade

Do you possess all the traits of a good communicator? Even if you do not, that doesn’t mean you can’t aspire to. Are there areas you know you could work on? Could you be better at telling stories? Are you slow to reveal information about yourself? Are you hesitant to offer opinions?

Studying great communicators reveals a lot of commonalities. Conversations are driven by two main forces – you need to do something, or you want to share information. Shy people tend to view conversation as a means to accomplish something and thereby keep it at a more serious / literal level. Good conversationalists enjoy the act of conversing itself – of sharing information, of small talk and deep talk, of telling funny stories, of learning about each other. Good conversationalists, first and foremost, can quickly express their opinions, interests, hobbies, likes/dislikes, favorite things, and memorable stories. If you can’t do that, you may have work to do.

Be Playful

This is the most common trait of likeable conversationalists – they sometimes play with the conversation. They do not take everything literally. Let’s say that you’re at a restaurant with a friend. You get up to use the restroom, and your friend asks you, “Where are you going?”

What would you say? The literal response is always, “to the restroom.”

But the playful response could be said with a smile, “it’s a secret…” or a sarcastic “I’m leaving, I’m sick of your attitude” or “you’re so demanding” or “who wants to know?” or “I’m gonna go find someone more interesting to talk to.” You get the idea. Play more – don’t take conversation so literally.

One way to play more is by injecting hypothetical situations and scenarios into your conversation. For example, “If she does ____, that would be hilarious.”

Let’s look at a very normal response: “It’s a good thing he didn’t…”

Now let’s add a hypothetical situation to it, “It’s a good thing he didn’t… because who knows, he could have been fired!” or “…he could have been arrested!” or “…he could have been captured by pirates!” You get the idea.

Here’s one more example: A friend visits your house and sits on your couch. Before you know it, your cat, Felix, jumps up and starts rubbing against your friend’s head. You may say, “Felix is very friendly…” But you could make your phrase much more interesting by adding, “…he’ll be making out with you next time!”

Be Modest and Positive

Good conversationalists are always humble and have a positive outlook.

They may qualify phrases with modest setups like, “I don’t know a lot, but I do know that she…”

When they respond to someone, they look for the positive parts. Rather than saying, “That sucks…” they say, “Well at least you didn’t have to ____ .”

Share Interesting Information

Good conversationalists bring new information to the table. And not necessarily theories on nuclear physics – but information that is fun and relevant to the audience. They choose information that their audience would probably enjoy.

If they introduce new knowledge, they do not come off as arrogant. For example, they may say, “…did you hear about the new ____ that just came out? I’m pretty sure it will change ____…”

Make references to pop culture, “Jake totally reminds me of ____ from that ____ show.”

They are quick to offer fun and light hearted opinions on trivial subjects, “If I had to eat the peppermint fudge deluxe ice cream every day, I’d be a happy man.” By keeping it light and fun, everyone can enjoy it. They are careful not to bring up heavy subject matter like religion or politics.

Reveal tidbits of interesting information about yourself and your likes/dislikes. “My favorite lunch spot is definitely ____…” They disclose information in small chunks instead of dominating the conversation about their own interests.

Likeable conversationalists are also terrific at bringing up shared past experiences and stories. For example, “Whatever happened to ____? Is she still teaching ___?” or “That reminds me of the time that Bill did…”

Be Interested in Them

As the great Dale Carnegie once said, the best way to be likeable is to be interested in the other person. Ask good questions – go beyond, “what do you like to do?” Ask follow up questions, ask questions about specific details they bring up, like, “So tell me about how you found the…?”

Initiate conversation and bring up topics that they are interested in. Seek out commonalities. For example, “This coffee is wonderful, don’t you think?” and “I love ___ too! That’s so funny…”

And when they do share information, make sure you pay attention and listen. Reflect, paraphrase, and prove that you were paying attention. For example, “Yeah…I can only imagine how horrible that would feel…”

Don’t Forget Your Non-Verbal Communication

Psychologists have consistently discovered that people are the most drawn to those who have energy in their voice and mannerisms. It’s important not to forget that how you express yourself is often just as important as what you say. Here are a few tips to better non-verbal communication:

Vary your energy and inflection. Stay away from a flat, monotone voice. When you speak, vary the energy you put into each word or phrase. Try to emphasize the important words. Vary your volume; speak slightly louder for important phrases.

Control your speed. Great conversationalists can change their speed at will. Is it important? Then try saying it more slowly.

Speak in chunks. Great conversationalists speak in chunks. They pause between phrases and don’t quickly string phrases together. This prevents mumbling and misunderstandings and helps keep your words clear and lucid. It also helps you the speaker focus more on each phrase.

Use gestures. Gestures help paint pictures and give your audience something else to look at to keep them interested. Study a talk show host for some good ideas – they constantly gesture when they’re delivering a monologue.

Remember, try to find what works best for your personality!

Geoff Peart, M.Ed., is the author of the blog, mysocialupgrade.com. He is constantly searching for the secrets of good conversation and welcomes any feedback.

Photo by ^riza^

Note: This is a guest post from Dan Stelter of Anxiety Support Network

While many people, including socially anxious and shy people themselves, consider shyness to be in general a weakness, there are in fact several strengths this condition brings about. The strengths themselves go against what is considered to be the standard convention, which is why they do not appear to be strengths. Following are seven of these apparent weaknesses, and how, when used right, they are actually strengths.

1. Cautious thinking. While cautious thinking can really hold you back when you need to act quickly at times, it can also be a great strength. Say you encounter a really difficult problem at work. If you make a snap or reactionary decision, you can find yourself in a world of trouble fast. Sometimes, thinking things through for a few days and considering them from multiple different angles is in fact the best route.

2. Meekness can make you approachable. If you appear to be an ordinary joe, people can feel more comfortable in approaching you at work or a social gathering. While being meek is not necessarily praised in Western society, it can be a social strength. Compare this to a person who is really aggressive and outspoken – no one wants to go near that guy.

3. Being quiet leads to a calming effect on others. Other people will notice that you do not say a whole heck of a lot, and very often they choose to view shy people as simply being more calm. In American society, where people are more often rewarded for “tooting their own horn,” being quiet and calm can have a profound positive impact on other people.

4. Appearing vulnerable is great for certain jobs. Shy people appear to be vulnerable and easily taken advantage of by others, which can be the case in work environments that reward the most aggressive competitors. However, for various human-service-oriented jobs such as working with mentally disabled people, counseling, or therapy, appearing vulnerable causes other people to open up to you more, which is a great benefit to have in your life if you are going to be successful in these lines of work.

5. Shy people can appear to others to be innocent or good. In many situations in life, it is better to be the innocent or good person, rather than the outgoing and dominant person. Socially, people may respect you more than the aggressive and dominant individual, which leads to them having a stronger trust in you. In many cases, having an innocent or good appearance can be a great trait to have for an up-and-coming leader.

6. Shy people tend to be more believable. In comparison to people who are aggressive and outgoing who may be viewed as more self-serving, shy people, because of the “good guy” impression they make on others, are more trusted and believable. Though it is scary for them, shy people can become effective public speakers and leaders for this reason.

7. Being shy teaches us from an early age how to overcome barriers. From an early age, Gandhi was a very shy person. In fact, even as a lawyer in his early 30s, he was so shy that he could barely speak in front of a judge. He was obviously very unsuccessful, until he found the right cause. Shy people, because they have a barrier that holds them back from things most others enjoy with ease, are taught how to overcome those barriers. Once you learn how to overcome your shyness, every other barrier in life will be easy in comparison.

There you have it – 7 great strengths that shy people have. It’s amazing, how, when you really sit down and think about certain things in life, they have positives too. So, I urge you to sit down and think about your shyness. Even though it causes problems at times, it has great strengths as well. What are those great strengths for you?

Dan Stelter is the author of the Anxiety Support Network, an anxiety recovery blog dedicated to reinventing the way people think about anxiety disorders.

Photo by Auntie K

Note: This is a guest post from Eduard Ezeanu of People Skills Decoded

I believe that one of the best ways to connect with people and build quality relationships is through making conversation. Although most people can hold a conversation, only a few are smooth and charismatic when they talk.

Working as a communication coach, I have explored and tested many techniques for improving conversation skills. I have discovered 7 simple and effective ways to be a smooth talker. Here they are:

1. Talk slowly

Typically, good talkers don’t rush into a conversation. They take their time when they reflect on something and when they say it out loud. They act as if they have all the time in the world. This makes them come off as centered and collected. Model this way of talking and you will create the same effect.

2. Hold more eye contact

Most people keep eye contact about 2/3 of the time or less when they talk. In my experience, it’s a very good idea to hold eye contact just a bit more than that. This will convey confidence and interest in interacting with them.

3. Notice the details

People with good conversation skills tend to notice the kind of things that the average person doesn’t notice, and to bring such details into the conversation. They may notice and point out an interesting ring on the other person’s hand, a certain foreign accent, or a certain voice tone they use when saying a name. Thus, such individuals impress people in a very elegant manner.

4. Give unique compliments

Anybody can pay a generic compliment to try and get another person’s appreciation. Charismatic people on the other hand are able to really pay attention to others, to look beyond the facade and thus, pay unique compliments. Do the same and besides wooing others, you may even help them find out things about themselves they didn’t know.

5. Express your emotions

It’s very rare to meet a person who is comfortable talking about their emotions and how certain things make them feel, especially with strangers. Yet this way of talking is a real virtue. Don’t just present the facts, you’re not a newspaper. Express your feelings about those facts. Keep in mind that it is at the emotional level that people connect best.

6. Offer interesting insights

Anybody can talk about the news or express basic opinions. But good talkers can frequently tell you things you didn’t know and that you’ll find fascinating. This is why it’s good to have knowledge into fields such as psychology or sociology, and bring such knowledge out at the right moments in a conversation.

7. Use the best words

The ability to talk smoothly has a lot to do with choosing the precise words to convey your precise feelings or thoughts. Constantly develop your vocabulary and practice communicating as accurately as possible. It will help you develop a way with words and allow you to express yourself more easily.

***

Conversational skills don’t improve just like that. It takes time, practice and the ability to learn at a rapid rate from your own experiences. On top of this, they have virtually no limit to how far they can be developed.

Considering your relationships and social life constitute one of the fundamental components of your life, I believe it is worth embarking on a long-term journey of mastering your interpersonal abilities. It’s a journey you won’t regret.

Eduard Ezeanu is a communication coach with an attitude-based approach. If you enjoyed this article, also discover how to overcome shyness and learn how to make small talk from two top articles on his People Skills Decoded blog.

Photo by ^riza^

Note: This is a guest post from Randy McLean of RandyLeeMcLean.com

Do you remember what it was like giving a speech in elementary school in front of the whole class? Your mouth was dry, you were constantly fidgeting and you had major butterflies in your stomach.

For many people this condition can often extend into adulthood. Perhaps you are hesitant to make a phone call or approach someone to ask for directions. Sometimes this can hinder you more than help you.

Today I want to share 7 little known ways to overcome shyness:

1. People don’t bite

People cannot read your mind. A lot of the time when you want something you need to ask. You will find that most of the time they are friendlier than you expected.

They might even surprise you and politely say “you should have said something!” Often the more we dwell on a situation the scarier it becomes.

2. Think of the consequences

Sometimes when you don’t act there are consequences to suffer. For example, what if you need something to do your job from your boss but are too shy to ask? It could come back to haunt you.

Or let’s say the telephone rings and you don’t pick up the phone because you don’t recognize the number. You then look it up only to discover that it was a really great company that you had submitted your resume to. You call back and leave a message but never hear from them again.

Getting out of your comfort zone can often make life easier than if you don’t act at all.

3. What is the worst that can happen?

Most of the time the longer you wait the worse a perceived circumstance will become in your mind. You will find that most things you worry about never happen. We can often let our imagination run wild.

And if the situation doesn’t go as planned so what? As long as you are kind it is not your problem. It is their problem. If you say hello and smile most people will do the same thing back. You reap what you sow.

4. Realize that life is too short

If you are waiting for that guy or gal to ask you out it might never happen. However, if you approach them it just might happen.

Missed opportunities can be one of the hardest pills to swallow. It can take a long time to get over and the situation will often replay in your mind over and over again.

In contrast, if you do act in a timely manner after careful deliberation there will be no regrets.

5. Break the ice

There is a difference between being shy and quiet. It is hard for others to tell that when you first meet them. Going out of your way to talk to someone you first meet will create a much better first impression.

Often at times other people are waiting for you to talk to them. Why? Because they are shy too! It can often help to break the ice and you will find that overall your interactions with people will be more pleasant.

6. Get out of your comfort zone

This can be a very hard task but you will find that the experience will be very rewarding. Try and do something that you would normally never do.

You could try speaking up at your next company meeting, volunteering for a charity or becoming more active in your church. Activities like this will help to boost your confidence.

7. Practice makes perfect

The more you try and overcome shyness the more confidence you will have. The more confidence you have the easier it will become to continue behaving in a like manner.

If you find that you struggle with shyness try thinking about and applying some of the techniques in this article. They helped me and I am sure they will help you too!

Written by Randy McLean. Randy offers free self development tips designed to improve your health, wealth, and happiness. He blogs about positive thinking, personal fulfillment and abundant living.

Photo by Sukanto Debnath

Note: This is a guest post from Lisa H of Getting to Zen

If you intimidate someone or treat them with some other dramatic action, you are inviting trouble. Yes, it’s possible to affect change in another person this way; however, it is not advisable because the results can be undesirable and at times disastrous.

For example, imagine an employee that has been forced to take a leave of absence after arriving at work late. The relationship between the manager and that employee would likely be strained, especially if the leave of absence was delivered after the first offense. However, if the employee’s manager had expressed a little compassion, and asked why his employee had been late, the relationship between the two might have remained in tact.

Everybody has a past

We are more similar to each other than we are different. However, there will be those times in our life when we encounter someone who just rubs us the wrong way. Although it may be challenging at first, we must still treat those persons with dignity and respect.

Everybody has a past. You don’t know what another person has seen, heard or experienced that makes them behave the way they do–just like your experiences have shaped you. Take for example someone who has been in a relationship with a partner who was unkind to them. With that knowledge, you may be able to understand why they have trouble trusting others or are even unkind themselves. Or maybe they grew up being bullied for most of their childhood, and now they are a bully.

Everyone wants to feel needed

This is not to say that we have to condone or tolerate “bad” behavior, but we can have compassion in our dealings with them. There is an important yet intangible thing that everybody wants, and that is acceptance. Being accepted and appreciated makes a person feel needed and wanted. Acceptance gives us a whole lot of reason to exist. A recent testament to this is the five boys that committed suicide as a result of their lifestyle choice not being accepted. On a primitive level, being accepted is an outward acknowledgement that we are one of the many human beings that is sharing the planet at this time.

Compassion is everything

Now I am not saying that you need to befriend someone who is causing you discomfort. They may not even want to be your friend. I am talking about not judging them—not causing them any more pain than they are probably already in. If you think that it is hard for you to be around them, imagine how hard it is for them. They have to be with themselves for 24 hours a day. Avoid purposely doing things to sabotage or harm them in any way, including gossiping. If you need to vent, talk to a close friend.

Communication leads to understanding

Many times people come to an impasse because they don‘t know how to communicate with each other. Friendship, family and work relationships all have been severed due to poor communication. Father’s no longer speaking to sons and sisters that have been estranged for so long that it would be hard for them to recognize each other.

I remember a time when I tried to “clear the air” between I and a co-worker. And although I approached the situation calmly and with a spirit of resolution, it didn’t go well. My co-worker was unwilling to listen to how her actions were making me feel. What I realized then was that not everyone wants to “clear the air.” Some people want drama and stress–and that is their right. Now of course if you ask them, they would say that they don’t, but you would be able to see that their actions showed otherwise.

Interacting is Learning

You can learn from your perceived adversaries. Interacting or not interacting with them teaches you about you. Why do you have a problem with them? Do they remind you of someone else who behaves similarly? Maybe they remind you of yourself? Or are they just not your flavor of friend? Your adversaries can teach you much more about yourself than your friends. Don’t let these sort of opportunities go by without learning the lesson.

Next Steps

Hold your head high. Focus on yourself. Move forward with confidence and humility. Be kind to others. Be honest with yourself. Trust in your goodness. Refrain from judgment or acting out behaviors that create negative experiences. The time that you have on this earth is limited and precious. Acknowledge that by spreading positivity and lightness wherever you go.

Lisa H. (aka RunningBear) is the founder of Getting to Zen which includes articles on personal development, enlightenment, consciousness and awareness. You can sign up for her RSS feed or follow her on Twitter. In addition to blogging, Lisa enjoys long distance running, cooking, and sewing.

Photo by Neal

Note: This is a guest post from Eduard Ezeanu of People Skills Decoded

Win-win solutions are the most desirable way to solve problems and conflicts. When you win and the other person wins, instead of one winning and the other losing, then everybody is happy and the relationship gets stronger as a bonus.

Although win-win solutions exist in many situations, it is often hard to see them. We need a special way of looking at things in order to discover them. I believe that finding win-win solutions happens through effectively applying 3 essential steps.

Step 1: Take your negative emotions out of the equation

The situations where win-win solutions are not evident and need to be found are situations where our interests initially seem to clash with those of another person. They are situations of apparent opposition and conflict.

It is in these kinds of situations that our negative emotions tend to manifest the most: the fear of losing, the anxiety of not finding a convenient way out, or the anger at the other person. These emotions, especially when they are intense, tend to cloud our judgment and our creativity, which are the exact tools we need to find a win-win solution.

This is why it’s fundamental that you detach from any negative emotions. Firstly, recognize them when they manifest and bring into your awareness the fact they sabotage the process of finding a solution. Secondly, combat the irrational thoughts you may have which feed these emotions. This is in my view the most effective way to deal with them.

Step 2: Focus on the solution

If at the emotional level we have the inconvenience of negative emotions, at the behavioral level we have the trouble brought by passive and aggressive communication. It’s very tempting in a conflict situation to communicate this way: to justify ourselves, blame the other person, criticize, avoid the discussion or dig up the past.

As we do this, we lose track of finding a win-win solution and so we do not find one. The best way to avoid this phenomenon is to anticipate that it may happen and to notice your focus and communication style in conflict situations. And, every time you catch yourself or the other person straying from the solution finding process, bring the focus and the conversation back to it.

Step 3: Explore the context and options

A significant reason why we often don’t find a win-win solution is that we don’t insist hard enough with the solution finding process. We just give a shot in a semi-chaotic way, and then we give up. What we need to do is truly explore the context and the options.

In any conflict situation, start by ensuing that both parts agree to try and work together instead of fighting, and state their goals clearly. Continue by exploring the deeper motivations behind the stated goals and understanding each part’s story.

Then, get creative and generate solutions. Analyze each solution together; compare them in terms of costs and benefits for each side and agree on one win-win solution which best serves both parts. Finally, put that solution into practice. Stick to this process, apply it systemically, and if there is a win-win solution for your situation you will find it.

I believe it is always best to try and find a win-win solution to a conflict. Many viable solutions remain just unapplied theory because people don’t put in the effort to find them and don’t approach the whole process in a constructive, effective way.

We live in an abundant world, with many resources. It’s a pity to not find the best ways to use them and to not share them when this is a sound option.

Eduard Ezeanu is a communication coach who teaches people how to put their best foot forward in communication. He has recently launched the site Conversation Starters and he also writes on his blog, People Skills Decoded. You can follow him on Twitter at @EduardSays.

Photo by Q U E E F

Note: This is a guest post from Jered Slusher of Mass Influence

Don’t you hate it when people criticize you? I mean, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve let myself get annoyed with people who are overly critical.

When somebody harps on you, judges you, condemns you, disapproves of you, rejects you, withdrawals their confidence from you, it can be extremely painful. Not only can criticism eat away at your self confidence, it can cause you to be offended by the criticizer, and put you on the defensive to justify your behavior.

Here are the three main disadvantages of mindlessly criticizing others:

1. Hurts another’s pride

Let me tell you a story about one of my former bosses. This is a totally extreme example to show you how bad criticism can be.

When I first started college, I worked at Taco Bell to pay the bills. The boss over the entire store was known for being one of the most critical and least friendly bosses. He would demoralize us by criticizing our work in totally uncool ways.

For instance, if we weren’t making Tacos fast enough, he would say that his Grandma could move faster than us. If we didn’t know how to do something, he would question our brain cell count. If we had to take a day off work, he would question our loyalty to the team.

The constant hounding really worked on people, and made them feel worthless. The pride in their work slipped, and they felt as if their work didn’t matter.

When people criticize us, it can eat at our pride and confidence in ourselves.

2. Causes resentment

When we feel that someone else is trying to put us down, it causes us to resent that person.

In my year and a half of working at the store the only positive comment I heard about the boss was that he “ran a tight ship, and got results.”

Surely, that was true. The store was the top in the district, and it’s where they sent managers from around the area to get trained.

But at what cost?

Ask anybody that worked for him, and they’ll say that he was one of the meanest, rudest, uncaring, and hurtful individuals that they had ever met. Sometimes he would even be sexist, and tell the women that they were “too slow,” to move over and let a real man do the job the way it was meant to be done.

I mean, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

Many of the workers were too scared to say anything to his face. But behind his back everyone talked about what a jerk he was, and how much they couldn’t stand working for him. My co-workers and I prayed for the day we could find another job and get out.

The fact is, when other people criticize us, it’s easy to resent them and not have consideration for them. Anyone that attempts to devalue us, deflate us, depress us is going to take us away from what we really want: significance and approval.

3. Puts other on defensive

If we are criticized, and have the will to stand up to the other person, it puts us on the defensive and causes us to justify why we act the way we do.

By all accounts, some of the workers were slow at preparing the food. And, indeed they were purposefully slow because of all the harsh put-downs that the boss had slung their way. So when it came time for him to criticize them again, they would begin to justify why they were so slow:

“If only you’d pay me more, maybe you’d get more work out of me.”

“You’re not moving so fast yourself. Why should I move any faster?”

“You make me this way with all of your comments.”

“What about you? You’ve been sitting in the office all day.”

And so on.

Even though the time to get the food out was becoming horrendously slow, the workers felt they had no other choice but to justify their actions. They were, essentially, defending themselves against being devalued anymore.

As a result, the whole store suffered. The times of getting food out suffered. The quality of the food suffered. The relationships in the store suffered.

The criticism that was so generously dished out served to spin the store into a negative and unrewarding work environment. People stopped caring, and started complaining and criticizing back.

If we’re not careful, other people’s harsh criticisms can cause us to abandon our values and fight back with harsh criticisms of our own. We have to be careful to guard ourselves against becoming just like the unnecessarily critical people.

Your Turn: Have you ever been criticized to the point where you let the other person get under your skin? How did it feel? Are you proud of your reaction? What do you think is the best way to deal with people who are overly critical, and downright hurtful?

Jered Slusher is the founder of Mass Influence Leadership, a community of leaders driven to gain control over their future, lead other people, and achieve massive amounts of success. Get your free “Stocking Your Leadership Super-Powers” e-book at http://www.massinfluence.org/free-book

Photo by ciccioetneo

Note: This is a guest post from Dave Ursillo of DaveUrsillo.com

Humor is often the fastest and easiest way to make new friends.

I love meeting new people. To me, one of the most wonderful aspects of life is coming across just a handful of the billions and billions of men and women that live amongst and around us, getting to know their unique stories and personalities, and being able to connect with them on some level.

Meeting new people isn’t always difficult. Through work, school, social events, the weekends and meeting others through current friends, we are presented with ample opportunities to connect with people and make new friends. The difficult part is making a connection with men and women that can outlast the short duration of time that you’ve spent meeting them: how do you establish a connection with someone that can last and that causes you two to become friends?

Lately, I’ve taken a new approach to socializing by making subtle efforts – usually through humor and laughter – to forge meaningful connections with men and women who would at most be described as “acquaintances,” or people that I’ve not known for very long and may never see again. I find some beauty in establishing these sorts of connections with people, realizing that our paths may never cross again, but hoping that the connection we’ve made could last a lifetime. Why bother with the effort? Well, it turns out that these young men and women that I’ve attempted to forge a real connection with in a short period of time have, in several instances, become good friends. I’ve learned two important lessons from these experiences, and I wish to share them with you.

First, humor is the easiest and most effective way to connect with a stranger. Laughter, happiness and smiling are “common denominators” among all human beings: regardless of race, nationality or primarily language, we all naturally recognize, appreciate and connect through smiles and laughter. When it comes to making new friends, laughter and happiness is a simple but highly effective ways to make positive, personal connections to others.

Second, it turns out that making a connection with men and women through humor, happiness and laughter not only helps you make new friends, but it actually is the means to establish a strong, meaningful connection to people. There is something special and sacred amongst human beings when it comes to sharing happiness and positivity. When you share laughter and joy with others, they become happier themselves and desire to share more of the same with you in the future.

With these two lessons in mind, here are seven ways to use humor to make new friends.

1. Be lighthearted

Bringing laughter, happiness and smiling to others is more about being lighthearted than it is about “being funny.” Don’t think of yourself as having to embody the role of a comedian. Just feel happiness, be positive and be lighthearted. Such a mindset is naturally attractive to others, and by embodying happiness you invite others to get to know you better and even open up more themselves.

2. Joke at your own expense

If you’ve just met a group of new people who do not know you, an easy way to get them to know you is to use humor to joke about yourself. Now, there’s a big difference between joking about yourself and being self-deprecating. Saying, “I didn’t get that recent job I applied to… I suck at life!” is not funny. Remember to keep it lighthearted. Instead try, “The last job I applied to turned me down. But that’s okay, because it’s always been my dream to become a stripper.”

3. Be authentic; don’t force it

Don’t break out a notepad full of “Knock-Knock” jokes and don’t start reciting Chris Rock’s latest standup comedy routine. Connecting with people through humor and happiness has to be authentic; it can’t be forced or premeditated. When it feels like you’re trying too hard to be funny or amiable, strangers and new acquaintances will interpret your efforts as inauthentic attempts to overcompensate for something.

4. Be able to take a joke: humility

One of the least attractive qualities in people is when men and women take themselves too seriously. Refusing to laugh at yourself can ultimately reveal a lot about a person. It may say that you are selfish and egotistical, or simply neglect to embrace happiness and humility. Whatever the reason, if you’re going to use humor to make others laugh, you need to expect a joke to be cracked at your expense. If you’re able to take a joke and laugh about it, just think of it as another way of providing happiness and laughter to those around you.

5. Don’t joke at the expense of others

Joking and humor are great ways to make others laugh and forge new connections with people, but you shouldn’t depend upon making jokes at the expense of others. You haven’t yet earned the “friendship cache” of leeway that comes with being friends with someone for a long time, so you shouldn’t joke at the expense of those you’ve just met, who won’t appreciate the insults. Also, don’t fall into the trap of making fun of others around you or a mutual person you know. It may be funny, but ultimately it’s not attractive to mock others.

6. Joke with others in ways that are complimentary to them

If you want to joke with new people you’ve just met, do so in a way that is complimentary to them. You can even infuse a joke about yourself in the process, like, “I really like your dress… but I don’t think it would look as good on me.”

7. Recognize when to use humor and when not to

Think of an awkward or uncomfortable situation: you just met an entire table of new people; you already don’t remember any of their names; and now there is a very awkward silence amongst the group. How do you break the uneasiness? With a joke! Laughing helps overcomes the bridge of social discomfort in any circumstance, and the same applies when you meet new people. That said, you need to realize when using humor makes a situation worse. If you’re at a funeral or when someone tells you about some really unfortunate news, shelve the humor and choose compassion instead.

Dave Ursillo is a writer, dreamer and self-described “Renegade.” His self-improvement and personal development blog, DaveUrsillo.com, encourages men and women to embody “Renegadeism,” a defiant attitude of positivity in spite of what feels like an increasingly cynical world. Follow Dave on Twitter.

Photo by Sabrina