We now live in a fast-changing world and your ability to adapt is becoming more important than ever. In this kind of world, just being a generalist or specialist is not enough. You need to become a versatilist. A versatilist is a person who can quickly adapt to new situations and take advantage of them. I like how The World Is Flat describes versatilists: “They have to prepare like someone who is training for the Olympics but doesn’t know what sport they are going to enter.” That’s how we should prepare ourselves these days.

While there are many skills that versatilists could possess, there are two essential ones they must have. If you have these two skills, you will be able to go anywhere you want, quickly adapt to new situations, and take advantage of them. The two skills are:

1. Learning skills, and
2. People skills

Let’s look at them one by one.

Learning Skills

Learning skills help you learn new knowledge and skills quickly. It allows you to enter a new field before the majority of other people. When the rest of the world eventually come, you will already be in a strong position.

Here are some tips to improve your learning skills:

1. Build curiosity

Curiosity is important if you want to be a good learner. If you are curious, you will be eager to learn and enjoy learning. You will naturally want to learn further and deeper than many other people. One way to build curiosity is to assume things to be interesting. Instead of labeling something as boring, find its interesting side.

2. Build questioning habit

Don’t just accept something as it is. Instead, dig deeper through its surface with questions. Asking why is perhaps the most important question you should ask because it allows you to question conventional wisdom and see things differently.

3. Build reading habit

While most people know that reading is important, only a few of them make reading a habit. Making reading a habit makes a lot of difference. By reading for just 1 hour a day, in one week you will already read for 7 hours if you do it consistently. Just imagine how much more people with reading habit will learn after 10 years.

4. Develop reading skills

While the quantity of your reading time is important (which is why you should make it a habit), its quality is also important. So you need to develop your reading skills. Good reading skills help you get the most out of your reading time by making it more effective and efficient.

5. Master research tools

Mastering research tools will help you find the answer of the questions you have. While most people can use tools like Google, only a few people master them. There are many tricks that only a few people know and these people have tremendous advantage in learning. They can find accurate answers to their questions in shorter time than other people.

People Skills

Learning skills deal with what you know but people skills deal with who you know. People skills help you build a strong network in the field you enter. By having people skills, you will have friends with whom you can exchange value for mutual benefit. It will give you significant advantage over those who do not have such network.

Here are some tips to improve your people skills:

1. Love people

First of all, you should love people. If you prefer not to meet people than meeting them, you are unlikely to have good people skills. Make it a joy to connect with others.

2. Put relationships on higher priority than tasks

There are so many tasks at hand that demand our attention. But, if you want to have good people skills, you should put relationships on higher priority.

3. Help others succeed

The law of networking remains the same: you should give first before you receive. Give genuinely without expecting something in return and you will later receive what you need.

4. Make other people feel important

People love to be appreciated and you can build strong relationships by making people feel important. Of course, you should do it in a genuine – not manipulative – way. People can sense your true motive.

5. Forget yourself for a moment

Doing all the above is difficult if your mind is consumed with yourself. When all you think is how to get something for yourself, there is only little space left for others. Free some space by forgetting yourself for a moment and use the space to think about others.

Photo by llawliet

Note: This is a guest post by Andrew Rondeau of Great Management

As an employee, we all want that job promotion, don’t we?

So let’s just say, you are ready to get promotion.

You do your job exceptionally well.

You know the organization extremely well.

You have increased your accountabilities.

Your boss believes you are ready.

You have the confidence and you just cannot wait to get started.

But…it turns out we can’t get that job promotion alone.

Aside from the fact that it is the boss and normally several of their colleagues who approve or decline your job promotion, you also have to consider the opinions of your co-workers.

I have attended numerous ‘Job Promotion Panels’ and someone who is influential and deemed respectful, only has to say a negative comment about you (the person up for promotion) and your chances of getting promotion are easily scuppered.

And the comments can be so insignificant:

“I was in a meeting with them once and they didn’t say a word, not one word”

“They were 5 minutes late for the meeting with the Finance Director, last week – it didn’t go down too well”

“Wasn’t his last project late?”

You may be ready but those influential, respected individuals also need to believe you are ready.

They can help or scupper your chances of job promotion.

So what can you do?

Network.

Through networking, you may be a step closer to that desired job promotion.

One should never underestimate the power of influence gained through networking.

Whether you are a newbie to networking or not, think, “My goal is going to be to establish, say five meaningful connections.”

Your goal is not to gather contacts; your goal is to develop connections with people.

Influential and respected individuals.

So start by finding out who are the influential and respected individuals within your department.

Who are the ones who are listened to and their ideas are taken forward?

Any of your peers?

Any of your bosses peers?

Got your list? Great.

Now what?

Simply invite them to have a coffee and let them do most of the talking – at least 80%.

Just ask “What are you working on?” or “Do you need some help on something…”

People love sharing their advice.

Get them started and keep asking follow up questions.

Then a simple technique which always works…

However, before I mention it…so many people are focused on, “What’s in it for me?” instead of “What’s in it for others?”

You should be thinking, “How can I help others get what they want?”

Give first…offer help.

That’s the simple technique, which always works.

Chances are they are overworked and anything you can do to help would be gratefully received.

I’m not talking about taking over their project or task but it might be something simple they just don’t have time to do.

Offer that help, agree you will do something, jot it down and then follow it through. I know that there is the conventional wisdom that life is 90 percent about showing up, and that’s just not true.

Life is 90 percent about following through.

If you want to scupper your chances of job promotion forever, don’t follow through on your agreed help.

And that’s it. Simple.

Now once you deliver and have more discussions, you can start dropping into the conversation what you are up to. What successes you have had, what your strengths are.

This builds up your credibility extremely fast.

You can use this to your advantage. By becoming a model employee, you will not have a hard time convincing the network that you are worthy of the promotion.

Then when your name gets mentioned at the “Promotion Panel” those influencers will be convinced you are the best person for the role because they know you and you always deliver.

We all want a job promotion. Networking can get you one.

Just make sure that you deserve the good word that your network will pitch in for the “Job Promotion Panel” to hear.

Now go and get promotion.

Andrew Rondeau transformed himself from a $4 an-hour petrol-pump attendant to a highly successful Senior Manager earning $500k every year. Discover how to maximize your income and minimize your effort by receiving Andrew’s free e-course and report on GreatManagement.org.

Photo by A. www.viajar24h.com

Note: This is a guest post by Alaia Williams of One Organized Life

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.
Anäis Nin

Friendships are incredibly important. At certain stages in our lives, friendships are everything to us – the most important thing in our lives. Friendships help define us. Our friends can influence our choices – where we live, what we eat, what we buy.  Friendships grow and change as people come and grow. There is old proverb that says, “friends are flowers in the garden of life.”  Friendships need their own kind of water and soil to grow healthy and strong.  The following are 25 things to keep in mind to facilitate building stronger friendships.

1. Choose friends wisely. You do not have to be everyone’s friend. Choose to be friends with people who build you up, not tear you down. Choose friends who inspire you and welcome you, not alienate and insult you. You can’t choose the family you are born into, but you can choose your friends.
2. Listen. Listen closely to what the other person is saying. Let that person know that you hear them. Ask clarifying questions. Summarize what you’ve heard. Though helpful, it does not always have to be through words. Eye contact and body language are also important ways of showing someone you are listening.
3. Respond carefully. Think before you speak – especially if you are angry. Sometimes, taking a moment to think about what you say before you start blurting things out will spare hurt feelings and bruised pride. Also, when friends feel like it is okay to be themselves around you, they trust you. Choose your words with care.
4. Avoid consistently giving advice or trying to fix all of your friend’s problems. By all means, if a friend asks for your advice, give it. They might want you to proofread an important email before it is sent out. Maybe they are struggling with a relationship. Perhaps life is throwing them a curve ball and they need your support or insight. Don’t wiggle your way into every aspect of your friend’s life, telling them how to be the star of their own show. Give them room to process things and make their own decisions.
5. Play fair. Avoid trying to one-up your friends. Eventually your friends won’t want to play with you anymore.
6. Be authentic. Be yourself. Be honest. Avoid putting up a façade. We all test our relationships by throwing something out there about our true nature. We then hide behind a corner, head peeking out, waiting for the response.  If someone can’t accept you for who you are, developing a relationship with them will be hard. Don’t shortchange yourself by denying your beliefs, values, and point of view, for the sake of fitting in. You won’t be doing anyone any favors.
7. Communicate openly and honestly. Developing communication with a person can take time – and trust! Ask your friends what you can do for them. Share what you have to offer. Don’t be afraid to let people know what you need. Share what is necessary, but don’t dominate conversation. When a problem arises, work through it together.
8. Accept your friends for who they are. On your search for friends who can accept your authentic self, keep in mind – other people are looking for the same thing. We all want people who love us for who we are.
9. Respect their choices. It is okay to disagree. If your friend decides to make a move when you think standing still is the right thing to do, let them do their thing. If you’ve given your advice and your friend sees things differently, step aside. What your friend is doing might be right for their life but not yours. They might be making a mistake, but if it doesn’t kill them, maim them, or leave them in a coma, hopefully they can learn from the experience. And, if it will kill them, lock them in a closet and don’t let them out until they’ve forgotten why you trapped them in there in the first place.
10. Be the kind of friend you want others to be for you. You want friends who are honest, kind, compassionate, fair, not judgmental, authentic, and intelligent.  Be that person first and you’ll be more likely to attract that kind of friend into your life.
11. Be empathetic. Trying to understand things from your friend’s point of view can help you communicate and understand each other better.
12. Give compliments. Show love for your friends by complimenting them on their good qualities or things they do well. Has a friend done something you admire them for? Let them know!
13. Express your gratitude. Let your friends know that you value your friendship. Tell them. Write them a note. Did you see the collector’s edition of their favorite movie while you were out? Buy a copy. Surprise your friend by taking him or her out for lunch or dinner at one of their favorite places.
14. Admit and apologize. When you do something wrong, admit it.  Learn to apologize. Sometimes a friend is upset, and all they want from you is to (genuinely) say “sorry.” It shows that you realize your misstep, and that you will hopefully not make the same mistake again.
15. Let go. Did a friend do something that hurt you? Have you talked it through? Were apologies made? Let go and move on! If you don’t, you’ll hang on to the transgression and it will taint the relationship going forward. Don’t trudge up a prickly patch of your past. Try your best to make a fresh start.
16. Make time for your friends. Spend time with your friends. It might feel odd to schedule your friends on your calendar, but if you have a busy schedule, getting them in your book, is better than letting them go. Show your friends that you want to be around them. Is your friend far away? Write them an email, chat with them via IM, call them on the phone, plan a weekend get together. Making time for your friends sends the message that they are an important part of your life.
17. Keep your promises.  If you know you can’t deliver something, don’t promise that you will. If you make a promise, do you best to keep it. It is better to say “I don’t think I can make it on Saturday night, but lets get lunch next week,” than saying you will show up, and then accept a different invitation or cancel at the last minute.
18. Celebrate what you have in common. Most friendships are started because of some common thread – a favorite sport, a love of books, an appreciation of fine wine, an insufferable boss. Get season tickets to your favorite baseball team or check out the local library book sale together next month.
19. Try new things together. What new experiences can you share with your friend? It could be as simple as checking out the new local coffee shop, or as adventurous as bungee jumping.
20. Have fun together. Friendships, like any other relationship, can fall into a rut sometimes – especially if all you do with your friends is share your latest complaints every time you see each other. Shake up the routine. Go out and do something fun you both enjoy, or look at that list of new things to try that you came up with and do one of them. It’s great to have a friend you can open up with, but lighten the burden load and let loose – create some happy memories together.
21. Seek balance in your friendship. Entering a relationship with selfish motives and being a person who takes and takes and takes until the well runs dry, is likely to lead a lonely life. Serve and support your friends. What can you do for them? How can you help? What can you add to their life or their day to make it a little bit better?
22. Take equal responsibility for the friendship. Take turns making plans or driving across town to see each other. If there is a problem, acknowledge your part in it and figure out, together, how to make it right. If both people are not tending to the relationship, it will not flourish.
23. Be a cheerleader. Be encouraging. Motivate your friends. Affirmation goes a long way. If your friends aren’t in your corner, who is?
24. Keep personal information confidential. As relationships grow, it is common for friends to share confidential information with you. If a friend tells you a secret it is because they trust you and believe that you will keep what they told you in the strictest of confidence.  Do not betray your friend by sharing their secret stories with others. Many times a relationship has been ruined over spilled secrets.
25. Unclench your fist. Friendships grow and change. Sometimes they end.  You can change a lot in a year. Imagine how much you can change in 10 years. The person you were when you met someone is not the person you will always be. You grow up. You change your mind about things. Your friends will do the same. Sometimes a friend you’ve known for years will start to play a bigger role in your life as the years pass. Perhaps your lifestyles change radically and spending tons of time together just does not feel right anymore because you have fewer interests in common.  This friend might stay in your life, but might have less impact on and influence in it. That’s okay.  If a person is bringing you down, hurting you, or starts to go down a dangerous path, it is completely acceptable to end the relationship. Sometimes we struggle to hang on to a wilting relationship. Many times, it is healthier to let go.

Alaia Williams is a Professional Organizer based in Los Angeles, CA. Her blog, One Organized Life, includes articles about organizing, simplicity, work/life balance, and productivity.

This article is part of August 2008 theme: Relationships

Photo by ?é?†?? M?3ý

The only way to have a friend is to be one.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

We all want to have true friends, but the quality of our friends depend on us. If you want to have true friends, you should be a true friend yourself. By being a true friend, people will love to be around you and many of them will eventually become your true friends.

In addition, being a true friend is a good way to solve relationship problems. It’s difficult to change other people, but you can always change yourself. You can then solve the otherwise unsolved problems in relationships.

Here I’d like to share 17 tips to become a true friend. It may take years to learn to apply them but they are essential to boost your relationships.

Here they are:

1. Befriend yourself

Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.
Eleanor Roosevelt

This is an essential first step if you are to be a true friend. If you don’t even accept yourself, how can you accept others? You may have made mistakes in the past that you can’t forget. But forgive yourself for them. You perhaps don’t have the traits you want in life. But accept yourself as you are.

2. Accept others

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.
Unknown

After you befriend yourself, you will be in a good position to accept others. Other people may do you wrong or have some bad habits you don’t like. But you are not perfect yourself so there is no reason for you not to accept them.

3. Make time

At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent.
Barbara Bush

Sometimes we are too busy to provide time for relationships, even for important people in our life. That most likely happens because we put relationships too low in our priority list. If we regard relationships as high priority, time won’t be a problem. We will make time for relationships.

4. Be a good listener

Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.
Ed Cunningham

The art of listening is one of the most difficult arts to master. I experience it myself. Sometimes I talk with a friend but don’t carefully listen to what he says. Sometimes I’m introduced to a new person but don’t carefully listen to her name. A true friend doesn’t do that. A true friend is a good listener.

5. Enrich others’ life

Friendship is a treasured gift, and every time I talk with you I feel as if I’m getting richer and richer.
Unknown

A true friend provides value to others. She wants people who meets her to be enriched in their life. If you want to do that, you should live a lifestyle of value. This way you amass value in your life you can then distribute to others.

6. Understand first

Everyone looks at life through his own lens. Often we expect others to see life through the same lens as ours, but that will create a lot of problems. A true friend is someone who is willing to look through other people’s lenses first. He tries to understand why they think and act that way.

One thing I find helpful for this is learning about personality. Learning about personality helps me understand why people behave differently from me in certain situations. A good, easy-to-digest book on this subject is Personality Plus.

7. Find common ground

Finding common ground helps you connect with new friends quickly. The common ground allows you to talk to others about something they are interested in and thereby build relationships with them.

To make it easier to find common ground, you should enlarge your ground. The larger your ground, the easier it is for you to connect with others. Two simple ways to enlarge your ground is reading a lot and listening a lot.

8. Be interested

If you want to be interesting you should first be interested. Be curious. Cultivate interest about many things. If you do that, you can genuinely be enthusiastic when people talk to you about something. People will feel appreciated and love to be around you.

9. Take initiative to help

Make use of your friends by being of use to them.
Benjamin Franklin

A true friend doesn’t wait until someone asks his help. Instead, he takes the initiative to help others. This, of course, is easier said than done. To do this, you should be on the lookout for needs. Be sensitive. Often you can find others’ needs through what they implicitly say. You may also see it through their body language. When you sense a need, think about how you can help them and take the initiative to help.

10. Trust others

Confidence is the foundation of friendship. If we give it, we will receive it.
Harry E. Humpreys

If you treat others as good and trustworthy people, they will also treat you likewise. Believe in your heart that people are naturally good, even when they seem to be the opposite. People will feel how you believe in them and they will be touched by your sincerity.

11. Rebuke when you should

In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend.
Solon

A true friend is not afraid of saying the truth, even if it’s not convenient to the ones who hear it. A true friend cares too much about the person’s wellness that he can’t afford to let him live wrongly. Always have others’ best interest in your heart and be honest to them.

12. Know the right time to do things

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.
Gloria Naylor

A true friend knows the right time to praise, the right time to listen, and the right time to rebuke. She knows when to come and when to stay away. A true friend masters the art of timing.

13. Have integrity

There can be no friendship without confidence and no confidence without integrity.
Samuel Johnson

Integrity is the foundation of true friendship. Be sure that you do what you say. You can only build true friendship if you are true to yourself and others.

14. Commend others

Reprove your friend privately, commend him publicly.
Solon

People need appreciation. They need to know that you appreciate them. Often we are quick to criticize but slow to commend. Let’s make it the opposite. Sincerely commend them when they do something right. Even better, commend them publicly.

15. Leverage others’ potential

My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.
Henry Ford

A true friend wants to see the people around them live up to their maximum potential. You can do this by helping your friends recognize and develop their personal strengths.

16. See the positive side of others

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
Bernard Meltzer

A true friend knows you good enough to see your weaknesses but he still believes in your potential. To become a true friend, you should believe that your friends are good on the inside no matter how bad their outward appearance might be. It’s by this belief that you can sincerely encourage them.

17. Be present in difficult times

True friendship isn’t about being there when it’s convenient; it’s about being there when it’s not.
Unknown

This is the test of true friendship. Fake friends will be with you when you are happy since they want to share your happiness. But fake friends won’t be with you in difficult times. Only true friends will choose to be with you in difficult times.

So, to be a true friend, be with your friends in their dark moments. Be with them even if you need to let go your own convenience. It may be the most difficult tip of all, but it’s the mark of true friendship.

***

While learning these tips may take years, we can always grow and become better every day.

Do you have tips to become a true friend?

This article is part of August 2008 theme: Relationships and is my submission to Problogger’s group writing project.

Photo by ninjapoodles

Relationships are essential if you want to live your life to the fullest. In fact, relationships should be your top priority. That’s why we all need to learn how to build good relationships. Good relationships not only help us meet our needs but also make our life more fulfilling.

One way to build good relationships is by learning their characteristics. By understanding their characteristics, we will be better equipped to build good relationships in our lives.

Here I use the term “relationships” in its broad meaning. Why? Because the principles of good relationships are universal. They apply not only to romantic relationships, but also to friendship and business relationships.

If you look at the points below, you will see an underlying characteristic of good relationships. Good relationships involve “both sides”. While one side can take initiative, it still requires the other side to make the relationship a good one. Only by working together can a relationship reach its full potential.

Without further ado, here are seven characteristics of good relationships:

1. Both sides see the relationship as an opportunity to give

One of the basic relationship problems is selfishness. How does selfishness occur? In my opinion, selfishness occurs when someone focuses more on getting rather than giving. The more someone focuses on getting, the more selfish he or she becomes. That’s why the willingness to give is essential for good relationships. Both parties should see the relationship as an opportunity to give. This is the foundation upon which the other points below are built.

2. Both sides are willing to change

Nobody is perfect but everyone can grow. In a good relationship, both sides are willing to change. They realize that they are not perfect and there is still a lot of room for improvement. Instead of blaming their partner when something goes wrong, they look inside to see if there is something they can change. When both sides have this attitude, the relationship grows stronger and stronger.

3. Both sides are willing to admit mistakes

In a good relationship, both parties aren’t afraid to admit mistakes. Instead of being defensive, they openly admit the mistakes they make. They can then work together to correct the mistakes. This, of course, is not easy to do. It takes a humble heart to admit mistakes.

4. Both sides are willing to listen first

In a good relationship, both sides are good listeners. They are willing to understand their partner’s position first before trying to get understood. Doing this is much easier when both sides see the relationship as an opportunity to give (characteristic #1).

5. Both sides support each other

Not only are both sides willing to listen, but also they give what their partner needs. The law of reciprocity states that when we do good to others they will also do good to us. We reap what we sow. By supporting each other, both sides in the relationship get what they need.

6. Both sides are open to each other

Misunderstanding is one of the basic relationship problems. That’s why it’s essential that both sides are open to each other. When they have something they don’t like about their partner, they should communicate it rather than just keeping it in their heart. Of course, they should do so in a respectful way so as not to offend their partner. Part four of How to Win Friends and Influence People (which I review last week) gives us tips on how to do that.

7. Both sides have integrity

In a good relationship, both parties act in line with what they think and say. They keep their promises. This is important because they can then trust each other. This trust makes the relationship strong.

***

Relationships that have these characteristics will grow stronger over time. The relationships will be rewarding not just for the people involved, but also for the people around them. Why? Because by working together they can produce more value than they can ever do by themselves. People around them will get the benefit of this increased value.

Now that we’ve seen some characteristics of good relationships, what should we do? How can we build good relationships? The answer is we should start with ourselves. It’s difficult to change someone else, but we can always change ourselves. Start applying the characteristics above in your life. If you do that, people who relate with you will notice and eventually do the same to you.

Looking at the above points, here are what you should do:

1. See the relationship as an opportunity to give
2. Be willing to change
3. Be willing to admit your mistakes
4. Listen first
5. Support your partner
6. Be open to your partner
7. Have integrity

If you do them, you will be a good relationship builder.

This article is part of August 2008 theme: Relationships

Photo by …†?†¡?µ?

Note: This is a guest post by Flora Morris Brown of Color Your Life Happy.

This old Girl Scout lyric brings back memories of singing with childhood friends around a glowing campfire. The analogy to precious metals in the song emphasizes the value of friendships.

Every book and article on happiness lists the importance of personal relationships to our joy. It’s not because we get our happiness from others, but because by sharing the happiness we have with others, our own happiness is strengthened. But warm friendships don’t just happen. They must be cultivated and nurtured if they are to be meaningful and long-lasting.

Here are some ways I have maintained friendships through the years. Maybe these can help you too.

1. Send occasional greeting cards, not just at Christmas

My friends appreciate greeting cards for the many occasions that fall between Christmases. One friend commented that she didn’t even know they make Thanksgiving cards until she received one from me.

Make someone’s day by sending an unexpected thank you card letting her know what a difference she made in your life. The best time to do this is when you think of an incident or time when this person was especially helpful, supportive or encouraging.

It’s easy to send these cards. You can get a pack of imprinted or blank for under $5. I often address them while I have waiting times—beauty shop under the dryer or dentist waiting room. I keep a supply of stamps so that I’m always ready to dash off these cards.

2. Call a few people you haven’t talked to in a while

Email is my favorite form of communication, but it can’t replace the human voice. On a Saturday or Sunday afternoon I will go through my address book until I land on someone I haven’t talked to in a long time. They are so delighted to have a personal chat.

Short frequent calls work well too. I have one friend who calls on Sunday mornings and says “Hi, just checking in. Is everyone OK? ” If I have anything unusual or interesting to report, I do. Then I ask for an update on her week, and then we’re finished until the next week. Sometimes our calls last longer, of course, but most times they’re brief.

If she gets voice mail she leaves the same message.

3. Be a resource

When I run across a newspaper article, a sale, or a link on the Internet that may be informative or helpful to a free, I send it to them.

When I returned from my family reunion I put one of my cousins in touch with a childhood friend in the same industry.

Another friend mentioned that she is starting a new website to help writers who want to get published. When I went through my email I saw a link in a newsletter that may be a good lead for her.

One girlfriend is taking care of her mother stricken with Parkinson’s disease. When I saw an article in my alumni magazine about new research, I clipped it and mailed it to her.

4. Make lunch or coffee dates

It’s so easy to say “Let’s do lunch sometime.” But if you don’t make a definite date, it’s not likely to happen soon. Sadly the years can slip by if you don’t make a concerted effort to at least touch bases occasionally.

I have three upcoming dates.

5. Be really engaged – listen

When you are visiting with friends, really listen. It’s so tempting to be busy planning what you’re going to say next instead of listening to what they are saying.

Because I’m a big talker, this is my biggest challenge. Whenever my husband and I would return from a party, he would always know so much more about everyone than I did. When I would ask him how he learned so much, he said, “I listen, not talk.”

Since I’ve made it my goal to be a better listener, I notice that friends experience our visits as being so much more enjoyable.

Friends are not people with whom you always agree, or even always get along. Friends are not people you tolerate, but people you celebrate for being who they are.

Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D., an author, coach, speaker, and entrepreneur, has spent her life teaching and inspiring students and professionals. Her passion for motivating others has lead to her upcoming book, Coloring Your Life Happy. From her blog, www.coloryourlifehappy.com she shares tips for living life more harmoniously and abundantly.

This article is part of August 2008 theme: Relationships

Photo by notsogoodphotography

After reading Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living and writing a review about it, I was eager to read other books by Dale Carnegie. Since our theme this month is Relationships, the obvious choice is How to Win Friends and Influence People.

How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the most popular books on human relations. The book has become a classic and remains a bestseller more than 70 years after its initial publication in 1936.

Let’s see inside the book.

Inside How to Win Friends and Influence People

The book is organized into four parts with several chapters within each. Since there are 30 chapters in total, I will only discuss some of them here.

Part One. Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. “If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive”

Here is an important principle in relationships: don’t criticize, condemn or complain. People rarely blame themselves for anything, so if you criticize them not only are they unlikely to change, but also they may resent toward you.

2. The Big Secret of Dealing with People

People will go long way – sometimes even become insane – just to get the appreciation they need. So be a person who give honest and sincere appreciation to others. That’s the big secret of dealing with people. If you do that, you can’t keep people from liking you.

Part Two. Six Ways to Make People Like You

1. Do This And You’ll be Welcome Anywhere

This chapter contains a famous quote by Dale Carnegie:

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Are you interested in others? Do you want to know about them, admire their work, and eager to help them? If you do, they will also be interested in you.

2. A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression

The way to make a good first impression is so simple that we sometimes forget it: smile. When you smile, people will feel that you are glad to meet them. They will feel accepted and get a good first impression about you.

3. If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble

People put tremendous importance on their names. Therefore it will be much easier for you to win their hearts if you approach them by using their names. Unfortunately, we often forget names.

I’m as guilty as anybody else here. Sometimes I’m introduced to someone only to forget his or her name right after the conversation. Another embarrassing situation is when I meet someone who call me by name but whose name I forget.

4. An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist

It may seem counterintuitive, but being a good conversationalist is about by how good you talk. It’s about how good you listen. Encourage others to talk about themselves and be a good listener. People will feel appreciated and they will regard you as a nice people to talk with.

6. How to Make People Like You Instantly

To make people like you, make them feel important and do it sincerely. The desire to feel important is perhaps the deepest need someone has, so if you give it you will win  their heart.

I wrote some practical tips on it in 33 Tips to Become a Well Liked Person.

Part Three. How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1. You Can’t Win an Argument

You can only lose if you argue because – no matter what the outcome of the argumentation is – you won’t win their heart. So the way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

This is something that is rather difficult for me. If I have an idea I’m confident about, I’m usually willing to argue to prove my point. This chapter shows me how wrong it is.

2. A Sure Way of Making Enemies – And How to Avoid It

A sure way of making enemies is by saying that they are wrong. People don’t like that, regardless of whether they are actually wrong or not. Such statements hurt their self-esteem. So learn to respect other people’s opinion, even when you disagree.

5. The Secret of Socrates

If you want to win other people to your way of thinking, it’s important to make them agree with you from the beginning. The way to do that is by asking questions that they will inevitably answer with “yes”. Every time they say “yes” they will become more receptive toward you. At the end, there is a good chance that they will accept the idea they previously rejected. This is a technique used by Socrates to convince his opponents.

8. A Formula that Will Work Wonders for You

There must be a reason why people say or act the way they do. Find that reason and talk from their point of view. If you understand them, they will in turn understand you.

Part Four. Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

1. If You Must Find Fault, This is the Way to Begin

As a leader, we sometimes need to correct the people we lead. But how can we do that without offending them? The answer is by praising and giving honest appreciation first. When we do that, they will become much more receptive to the correction we give.

6. How to Spur People On to Success

The best way to develop good traits in others is not by punishing them for incorrect actions but by rewarding them for correct actions. Praise every improvement they make, even the slightest one, and they will go to the right direction.

7. Give a Dog a Good Name

A good way to get others do things the way you want it is by giving them a fine reputation to live up to. For instance, if you want someone to be diligent then treat her as a diligent person and say so to her. Most likely she won’t disappoint you.

Conclusion

How to Win Friends and Influence People contains excellent principles for human relations. The principles are universal and cover practically every important aspects of relationships. The stories in each chapter make it easy to grasp those principles.

The problem, of course, is in putting the principles into practice. Knowing the principles is one thing, but applying them is another thing. Since most of us have the tendency to be selfish, we need conscious and serious effort to apply the principles in the book. That’s why Dale Carnegie positioned How to Win Friends and Influence People as a workbook that we should refer to from time to time.

This article is part of August 2008 theme: Relationships

Note: This is a guest post by JoLynn Braley of The Fit Shack

The human potential is limitless and when you consciously choose to work on your personal growth you will not only improve your life but also benefit the entire world. Every bit you do to raise your own consciousness contributes to the level of global consciousness.

When you look at your personal growth path like this you might not think that your self-improvement could result in uncovering some unwelcome issues in your life, however this can and does occur for many people.

One result of improving yourself is that you will begin to see your relationships with new eyes. Either you will come to appreciate the people in your life even more than you used to because you will see how truly loving and supportive they are, or you will wake up and see that you have some people in your life who do not have your highest good in mind.

Uncovering a Toxic Relationship

Let’s take a common area of personal growth, a place where many begin their path to improvement: the physical self. I’m a strong believer that if you truly desire to ascend the scale of consciousness that the overall health of your physical being plays a large role in this, so the physical is a great place to start your personal growth process.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at things!), beginning a weight loss and fitness regime can quickly uncover a toxic relationship if you weren’t already aware that you were in one. And even though we’re talking about building a healthy lifestyle in order to gain fitness in body, mind, and spirit, even people who are solely focused on weight loss to improve their looks can uncover toxic relationships.

A Good Example

If you were previously stuck in an unhealthy lifestyle rut of junk food and inactivity and you begin to eat whole foods, getting outside for a 30-minute walk each day while your partner (spouse, lover, friend, the term doesn’t matter) is not on the same path as you are, you’ll probably begin to notice some “feedback”. Maybe they were your eating partner, your partner in an inactive and non-nurturing lifestyle and if so, there are a couple of things that can occur:

1. They will become inspired by your healthy changes and begin to make changes to their own lifestyle. They will express their love and support for you and take actions to support your healthy changes while you also support theirs.
2. They will become threatened by your changes and criticize your improvements. They will heap negative statements on you discouraging your steps, telling you that it won’t last and that your changes will never last. They will continue to bring home all of your favorite junk foods even after you ask them not to.

Number 2 is an example of toxic relationship. A toxic relationship does not support your highest good in life and is controlling, manipulative, and critical. A toxic relationship is jealous, threatened, insecure, and abusive.

Toxic = Major Negativity

Toxic relationships are negative, draining, and abusive, and abusive not necessarily in a physical manner but in a mental, emotional, and spiritual manner. I believe that verbal and emotional abuse can often be even more damaging than physical abuse because if you internalize that negativity and believe it you may continue to “beat yourself up” with those same negative words and thoughts long after the toxic relationship is out of your life.

Usually it’s very easy to realize that you’re involved in a toxic relationship however if you have been in the relationship long term you may have become used to the negativity. If you are noticing that your partner is not supportive of your positive changes and wondering if you might be involved in an unhealthy, toxic relationship, here’s an easy quiz you can take to find out.

Don’t Make This Mistake

Sure, miracles can happen and people do change but only if they want to change for their own reasons. The only person you can change is yourself and if you are not getting the positive support that you need in your relationship you can ask for it and communicate how you’re feeling but in the end you cannot expect your partner to change.

Since it’s true that often people do not change (at least not per your timetable), the mistake that some make is that they stop their own personal growth out of fear of losing the toxic relationship even though they intellectually know that it is not healthy for them. They may fear being alone or believe that they are too old and cannot change their relationship status. They think that they may as well resign themselves to “their lot in life” and hang in there, even though they will never receive positive support from the toxic relationship.

A Toxic Relationship Will Bring You Down

The problem is that if you stay in the toxic relationship it will more than likely drag you down. If you think that you can “bring it up” to a higher level, there is still the simple fact that you cannot change anyone except yourself and if your partner does not want to change (which is their right), you cannot expect them to.

I don’t think that a negative, unhealthy, toxic relationship is worth hanging on to for either party. At the same time though, I cannot say that it’s always an easy thing to choose your own health (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual) above a relationship and it does take a strong person to do so, but it can certainly be done.

It is also very possible to leave the toxic relationship with love and while your partner may not be happy with this, above all you must love and respect yourself. If staying in the relationship takes you out of integrity with yourself you are not treating yourself with respect, which will create and attract more negativity in your life.

There Are No Victims – Another Possible Outcome

Something else that can stop you from pursuing your positive path is the fear of looking at your own contribution to the toxic relationship. We cannot blame everything on the other person since it does take two to be in a toxic relationship. If you’ve woken up and can see that you’re in one it can be challenging to take responsibility for your part in creating the relationship.

Something else to consider is that you just might find that you are the main source of the toxic relationship! Perhaps you got together with a great person and they have stayed with you even though they have been brought down by the negativity in the relationship.

While it still takes two if your partner forgives you and by working on your physical self (which will effect your mental, emotional, and spiritual self) you detoxify the relationship, you may be able to restore it to it’s original state of health and even eclipse it with your partner’s help.

It Doesn’t Have to be All Bad

No matter what stage of personal growth you are in be aware of whether your relationships are supportive or toxic and don’t let fear of loss of a relationship hold you back from going forward in your journey of self-growth. If it’s truly meant to be your partner will choose to come along with you but if not and they do not support your positive improvements then they are not interested in your highest good here on Earth.

In the end though, just because your personal growth uncovers a toxic relationship in your life it doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing. Whether you stay together and “clean it up” or you part because that is what you need to do for your highest good, as long as where you end up is the most supportive place for you then life is bringing you the good stuff – the good stuff that is always waiting for you to allow it into your life.

JoLynn Braley blogs at The Fit Shack about creating a healthy lifestyle to lose weight and get fit. She takes a holistic approach to weight loss and fitness, the end goal being fitness for body, mind, and spirit, not just weight loss.

This article is part of August 2008 theme: Relationships

Photo by DerrickT

Don’t make friends who are comfortable to be with. Make friends who will force you to lever yourself up.
Thomas Watson

It’s true that we need to gather around positive people if we want to grow. But – as counterintuitive as it might seem – your “bad” friends can also help you grow. Your annoying and irritating friends can enrich your life if you treat them the right way. Looking that way, they are actually not bad. Just here I will use the term “bad friends” to refer to friends that are difficult to deal with.

Bad friends can enrich your life by helping you develop the traits you need. I’m sure there are good traits you want to have in life, but do you think you can just have them right away? No, the traits must be developed and you can only develop them through training. Your bad friends can provide you with the training you need.

For example, you want to be patient. You can’t just suddenly be patient out of nothing. To be patient you must go through situations that make you angry. These situations train your patience muscle. If you handle such situations the right way, you will be more patient. After experiencing such situations for a few years, you will see that many situations that previously make you angry will no longer be problems.

Your bad friends can give you situations through which you can develop your character. When you look at it this way, you should actually be grateful for them because they make you a better person.

It’s not easy to have this perspective, especially in the midst of difficult situations, but it’s necessary for your personal growth. Here are some tips to help you grow through bad friends:

1. Find people who are different from you

If you just gather with like-minded people, the chance is small that you will find those that can shape your character. They can enrich you in many ways, but they won’t develop your character.

So find people who are different from you. Find people who see and do things in a different way. Move out of your comfort zone and befriend various kinds of people.

2. Don’t avoid bad friends

When we befriend different kinds of people, chance is we will find some that we don’t feel comfortable with. Our first reaction when we meet such people is to just avoid them. Don’t. I know it’s not easy to do, but if you avoid them you will lose the opportunity to grow. Remind yourself of the great benefits these people can bring to you. Finding people who can develop your character is perhaps more valuable than finding people who can develop your knowledge.

3. Train your muscles

Now that you have these bad friends around you, let them train your character muscles. When they present you with challenging situations, don’t try to run away from them. Face them wisely. Be patient. Be humble. Stay in your training session so that you can get the most out of it.

4. Know your limit

While you need to stay in your training session, you also need to know your limit. Doing 100 push-ups while you can only do 30 won’t help your health. Train your character muscles, but know how much training you can bear. Otherwise, negative things could happen. You might no longer be able to control yourself and end up being furious. That will only make the situation worse.

So stop your training session when you know that you’ve reached your limit. Take rest, meet positive people, or simply avoid the bad friends for a while. Next time, train your character muscles further by being more patient.

5. Be persistent

No training will give you the results you want if you quit after only a few sessions. Be persistent in your character training. If you do that, you will eventually realize that you have developed the traits you want. It takes time, but you will come out as a better person.

***

It’s difficult to change other people, but you can change yourself. Your bad friends can help you a lot in the process.

What do you think?

Building relationships is essential for having a fulfilling life, but – as we all know – it’s not without its problems. Even close friendships could have problems every now and then. That’s why it’s important to learn about relationship problems and how to overcome them. While there are many relationship problems that could happen, I believe they boil down to just two. These are the basic problems that cause other problems in relationships. Here they are:

1. Misunderstanding

Misunderstanding is perhaps the most common problem in relationships. Sometimes your friends misinterpret what you do or say. Or it’s you who misinterpret them. Depending on the maturity of the people involved, such misunderstanding could be solved quickly or it could open the way to more serious problems.

Misunderstanding is caused either by lack of quality or quantity in communication. You could spend a lot of time to communicate with your friends (for example, with your roommate), but if the quality of the communication is low then there is a good chance that misunderstanding will happen.

The problem could also happen because you and your friend don’t communicate often enough. If both parties are busy, they may not have the chance to communicate what they need or want which may eventually lead to misunderstanding.

2. Selfishness

Another common problem in relationships is selfishness. Perhaps both parties understand what the other party needs, but one or both of them are not willing to give it. They prefer to just keep it for themselves. In this case, the problem is lack of action instead of lack of understanding.

For example, it takes time to build relationships but we may be too busy to provide time for others. While we can’t generalize the case, being busy could be a form of selfishness. Just wanting to be understood without trying to understand is also a form of selfishness.

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These two basic problems cause many other relationship problems. Being judgmental, for instance, is often caused by selfishness. We want others to meet our expectations and we blame them when they don’t.

Anger could be caused my misunderstanding. You may think that your friend does something bad to you while she actually doesn’t intent to. Perhaps she does you good but you misinterpret it. Misunderstanding causes us to misinterpret positive as negative.

These two relationship problems may seem simple, but solving them requires serious effort. It may take years or even lifetime to learn how to solve them. But being aware of them is a good first step because we can’t win a war if we don’t even know the enemy.

In a future article, I will discuss ways to solve these problems.

This article is part of August 2008 theme: Relationships

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