Comments on: How Bad Friends Can Help You Grow

By: Lisa

Lisa — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 15:23:10 +0000

I have this one particular friend who has been selfish and unreliable since word GO. I am a genuine person and believe that if you make plans with someone, you either follow through or cancel politely in advance. This friend was invited to my wedding and she replied to the RSVP as ‘attending’. When i arrived at the church in the wedding car, i saw this ‘friend’ standing with the onlookers in her casual clothes and her daughter in the pram. I was deeply cut and sobbed saying to my bridesmaids ‘she isnt coming’. We got through the wedding and when it came to the reception, my father had to pay for her meal even though she never turned up. It not only offended me but my family. My sister and the rest of the bridal party/guests went up to the night clubs after the reception that night to find this ‘friend’ was getting drunk on the dancefloor. The next day i messaged this friend and asked why she wasnt at my wedding. She replied with several excuses- 1. She couldnt afford nice clothes to wear, 2.She didnt have anyone to babysit her daughter, 3. She didnt have any money for a present. I was still fuming the next day and let it rip. We never spoke for 12 months after that. 12months later this ‘friend’ emailed me and a dialogue was opened. This friend tried telling me all her excuses but it didnt sit right with me. I thought to myself… you couldnt find anyone to mind your daughter for my wedding but found someone to mind her while you got drunk at the pubs?! You had nice clothes and money to go out but never had any of that for my wedding?! I thought these excuses were lame. I eventually put it behind me and 2 years down the track i am still in the same boat with a gut churning feeling about lack of trust and honesty. I am now at the stages where i am slowly getting rid of this friend. This friend has lied to me, put herself first, always used me as her ‘last option’ when she didnt have anything better to do and used me as her referees without my permission so she could get ahead and GET HERSELF things in life. I put my neck out on the line and recommended this person when this person got a job at my workplace and she has now become unreliable. I will always look back on my wedding day and remember that i was disappointed by that person when i should have been the happiest. I have set myself up for disappointment in the past and learnt not to get my hopes up. I guess having a bad friend has taught me some valuable life lessons…. NEVER fully trust anyone except YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By: Julian

Julian — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 09:12:29 +0000

Sorry, I know what you’re talking about but it gets to the point when enough BS with “bad friends” is enough. Glad you didn’t fail to mention the “know your limit” part . Yes sure, it builds character ok in some cases… But -for example- chronic angry people who believe to be justified in all the forms of their angry behavior are just toxic. I’m talking about the furious type who got to the point where they actually seek to be disliked and piss people off as the only way to get some kind of satisfaction !… I mean c’mon! it took me awhile to finally figure out why I was feeling so increasingly uncomfortable around this person. The world around them is always plotting against them… they are so damn good and everybody hates them… They do and amazing job and yet their boss never promotes him… They treat women like queens but they’re all b…… say insulting things and hurt him… The guy he plays sports with is incredibly competitive and makes things personal to humiliate him… Had any of these things been temporary but I noticed it was a pattern with the guy…. One day I caught him lying about something petty and of course ANGER motivated! that had nothing to do with me. It seems that he’d had yet another bad day at work and he proceeded to make me wait 47 minutes to be exact for just his response regarding doing something he had agreed to do the day before but ended up canceling… That was the last straw for me, I knew he was being mean spirited and that he was lying. Having been enormously interested in psychology since my early 20′s I made the huge mistake to think that I could maybe help with some of the very simple issues I started to detect troubled him… How foolish of me, this dude was crafty, slippery, deceitful and yes…. very ANGRY… (Not to mention that this type DO NOT WANT YOUR HELP) So although probably not entirely premeditatedly, I realized that he had long time ago made the decision that the way he was going to deal with his deep self dissatisfaction and pain was by taking revenge in some petty, miserly and of course, being devoid of any character… covert way. You’ve been warned folks…! I’d say make sure you know your limits and above all become a great judge of character as to choose well who you want to help you “grow” ;-)

By: Ella

Ella — Sun, 30 May 2010 15:29:53 +0000

I don’t agree with you. I don’t use “Friends”. Friendly relations supposed to be Healthy ! Or we Friends, or we not. Is nothing in the middle. You have problems with understanding what is Real friendship is. Good luck

By: Adil

Adil — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 14:18:02 +0000

I would accept this kind of advice for difficult colleagues, whom I have to learn to deal with. But I would NOT waste energy on building friendships with ‘difficult’ people, which are going to result in unbalanced, and ultimately unsatisfying relationships. You need to be a well-balanced and confident person to avoid getting emotionally thrown-off course by “bad friends” whose personalities clash enough to be a “challenge” to your character. But if you were that well-balanced in the first place, there would be no need to seek ‘bad friends’ for the purposes claims in the article.

The people you seek to ‘lever’ you up shouldn’t be “bad” friends. They should be people who have achieved what you aspire to achieve. Study their behaviours and see what they have done which are are not doing and can emulate.

By: juliee

juliee — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 03:49:16 +0000

hmm..i like this article..it give me a new perspective on how to handle people around me, rather than always be defensive (which i felt draining all my energy).it also a way of make out the positive out of negative situation..which is beneficial..is any other link or more info about this
character exercises..ive met enough of bully people…

By: sandy

sandy — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 05:36:23 +0000

I have a “friend” who wasn’t interested in a particular man until I was.. the other night she went up to him in the pub and straddled him.
There is no care in such a situation for me from her at all.
I beleieve any character building for me would come from choising not to have friends around me who simply have no care for me.
Am I missing something?

By: Monster & Workopolis - are these jobs ones that companies have trouble finding people for?

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 19:08:31 +0000

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By: Chuck

Chuck — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 14:34:32 +0000

I think this is the stupidest thing I’ve read all week. Wanna be friends?

By: Donald Latumahina

Donald Latumahina — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 11:21:13 +0000

Li,

Of course we shouldn’t actively seek “negative” people. What I’m saying is we should take advantage of all kinds of people around us for our personal growth, not just the “positive” type but also the “negative” type.

I don’t know about you, but in my life there are both people who are easy and difficult to deal with. Rather than just blaming people who are difficult to deal with, why don’t we see our interaction with them in a positive way?

By: Li

Li — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 03:32:36 +0000

So by your definition, I should not just befriend “positive” people but actively seek out “negative” people? And not only is it their problem that they are difficult to deal with but MY problem that I’m not patient enough with them? I don’t know what you definition character building is, but good luck in your pursuit in becoming a doormat.