Building relationships is essential for having a fulfilling life, but - as we all know - it’s not without its problems. Even close friendships could have problems every now and then. That’s why it’s important to learn about relationship problems and how to overcome them. While there are many relationship problems that could happen, I believe they boil down to just two. These are the basic problems that cause other problems in relationships. Here they are:
1. Misunderstanding
Misunderstanding is perhaps the most common problem in relationships. Sometimes your friends misinterpret what you do or say. Or it’s you who misinterpret them. Depending on the maturity of the people involved, such misunderstanding could be solved quickly or it could open the way to more serious problems.
Misunderstanding is caused either by lack of quality or quantity in communication. You could spend a lot of time to communicate with your friends (for example, with your roommate), but if the quality of the communication is low then there is a good chance that misunderstanding will happen.
The problem could also happen because you and your friend don’t communicate often enough. If both parties are busy, they may not have the chance to communicate what they need or want which may eventually lead to misunderstanding.
2. Selfishness
Another common problem in relationships is selfishness. Perhaps both parties understand what the other party needs, but one or both of them are not willing to give it. They prefer to just keep it for themselves. In this case, the problem is lack of action instead of lack of understanding.
For example, it takes time to build relationships but we may be too busy to provide time for others. While we can’t generalize the case, being busy could be a form of selfishness. Just wanting to be understood without trying to understand is also a form of selfishness.
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These two basic problems cause many other relationship problems. Being judgmental, for instance, is often caused by selfishness. We want others to meet our expectations and we blame them when they don’t.
Anger could be caused my misunderstanding. You may think that your friend does something bad to you while she actually doesn’t intent to. Perhaps she does you good but you misinterpret it. Misunderstanding causes us to misinterpret positive as negative.
These two relationship problems may seem simple, but solving them requires serious effort. It may take years or even lifetime to learn how to solve them. But being aware of them is a good first step because we can’t win a war if we don’t even know the enemy.
In a future article, I will discuss ways to solve these problems.
This article is part of August 2008 theme: Relationships
Photo by hypertypos
Comment by Click A Life Coach
8 15. August 2008, 6:59 am o'clock |
We help a lot of our clients that have relationship problems by analysing their love language. There is a great book out there from Gary Chapman “The five Love Languages”, which explains that in detail.
On our website you find a quiz which is based on his book helping couples to find out their language and helping them to better understand the needs of their partner.
Comment by Donald Latumahina
7 11. August 2008, 11:38 am o'clock |
Tony,
I still don’t get it since it seems counterintuitive. This is something I should think about.
Comment by Tony B
6 9. August 2008, 5:17 pm o'clock |
I feel that the individual does not think they are acting selfish, when they are not providing what the other needs, as they are only protecting themselves.
Most individuals think about themselves, often on a deep level, even when they act totally selfless.
Comment by Donald Latumahina
5 9. August 2008, 12:35 pm o'clock |
Shanel,
Very interesting thoughts. I’m still not sure whether fear causes selfishness or selfishness causes fear.
From what I see now, fear may stem from selfishness. If I’m selfless, what I lack or lose doesn’t really matter to me.
I’ll think more about it.
Comment by Shanel Yang
4 8. August 2008, 9:59 am o'clock |
So true! If misunderstanding and selfishness are boiled down even further to just one thing it would be fear. Fear of not being understood, appreciated, loved, and of not having enough. These most basic fears then manifest themselves in harmful behavior patterns — the most destructive are what has been called the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for marriages and other close relationships, which are: (1) defensiveness; (2) stonewalling; (3) criticizing; and (4) showing contempt. I wrote about how to recognize these in your relationship and what to do about them in a post called “4 Signs that a Marriage Will End in Divorce” at http://shanelyang.com/2008/03/23/4-signs-that-a-marriage-will-end-in-divorce/
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